SHANOO'S MUSINGS

Locked up! and a revision in my “to do/learn/realization” list....

2009-10-02T14:21:00.013+06:00

I turned the door knob once more ,a couple of more times and then shook the knob like a dozen times, double checked to make sure that the door was unlocked, still nothing, it wouldn’t open! The door wouldn’t budge nor would the silver little thing which is supposed to go in when you turn the handle move. I felt my pulse quicken and small beads of perspiration started to dot my forehead, I took a deep breath, trying to push down and squash the dark ominous pressure which was trying its best to snake up my oesophagus and leap into my throat. (The news that a Tsunami had hit Samoa and there was an earthquake wasn’t helping)

I took a couple of more breaths, swallowing hard, frantically shaking the doorknob as the realization sank in, along with the pressure I had pushed down my throat. I felt my stomach churn and I called my flatmate and we both started to turn the handle frantically, trying to open the door, the force practically making the door shake on its hinges. We were locked inside the house!

We tried, a credit card, a screw driver, several spoons, a few calls home, googling and a hair pin but the silver thing which is supposed to go in when you turn the knob wouldn’t turn nor would the little knob like thing you’re supposed to press go in and hence the knob wouldn’t come off. We tried to get hold of a locksmith, but no one was willing to come around at that time of the night and it looked like there was no way we could dismantle the lock and open the door except by doing the “ultimate” of breaking it! (Well the ultimate would have been breaking down the door and at the rate things were going that wasn’t too unlikely a possibility)

As luck would have it a friend dropped by, and then it was a series of blows on the door knob with a hammer and a screw driver, a neighbour disturbed by the hammering tried a couple of more bangs .Nothing! Another friend and some more hammering, still nada. A bit more banging from inside, the door looked like it was ready to come off its hinges, but the lock wouldn’t move.

After nearly 2 hours we gave up, and decided we’d spend the night inside the locked house (the threat of an earthquake seemed very real and I had several thoughts running through my head) and then our friend showed up with another neighbour and a huge hammer, and bang! Bang! Bang! part of the lock came hurling inside the house. Still the door wouldn’t open, and it was 5 more minutes of grunting and twisting with the pliers and tada! The door finally opened... we could breath the sweet fresh air and see the stars... Sweet sweet freedom.

That was quite an experience and I have learnt that a girl needs to add some more things to her “to do/learn/realization” list:

1. How to dismantle a lock, and fix a new one

2. How to fix a tube light

3. How to unclog a sink

4. How to unclog/fix a leaky toilet

5. How to clear a blocked shower head

6. How to paint

7. How to use a drill and hammer a wrench and a nail

8. How to replace a light switch and fix a top

9. The super powers of “ super glue”

10. You never know when you might get locked inside a house so be prepared and have your tools ready.

11. Google cannot always help you

12. The list never ends

13. Men aren’t always around ( not even the handymen)

14. We women can do it!

Eid hadhaan..rambling

2009-09-20T20:30:00.007+06:00

I grumbled to myself as I tried to type in the possible versions of how the Eid song “ Eid aee hinithunvamun” could be spelt on YouTube...I seem to be having no luck at all.. Sigh its 3:11 am and Eid has passed without me listening to the song. How disappointing! After all the song is part of Eids’ tradition and celebration!

With Roadhamas and Eid, theres always a lot of new and yours truly programs like "thiyabeefulhun ge furusathu" and "haaru dhan" , “ehadhaan”, “bai balaa” etc on TV and radio, programs which has become so much part of our Ramadhan and Eid that in a couple of decades these shows would be our Ramadhan tradition.

Now if you really think about it, it's kinda sad...I mean when we tell people about how we celebrate our Ramdhan and Eid, it would just be limited to names of game shows!! Just imagine that!

I don’t watch much of local TV, I prefer to watch shows of substance when I get some free time. I know I am a snob. (I don’t know where Seinfeld would fall in terms of that though :)). However, when I am away from home, I get this urge to be in touch with home in whatever way I can, and that’s where Dhifm and Youtube comes into picture.

I search and look for videos or for whatever snippets that’s available online. 'Ehadhaan' has always been on the list of my most watched videos, my interest in it started with a very umm unusual version of' ley kokaa laa malun', ever since I heard it, I can’t wait to see what they would come up with every year. It’s quite entertaining, especially if you watch the evolution and how the show has changed over time. But the most entertaining bit of all is the audience, have you ever seen a singing show where the audience actually sit stills and stares sombrely. Some of those looks could actually burn holes or make people drop dead!! Honestly, it’s like some dead blokes wake or funeral! And to think we are talking about a show that’s meant to be enjoyed, a show in which in most other countries people would stand up cheer /hold a lighter or a candle, you know do that sort of thing which people do normally in music shows!

People!Get up and cheer! Where is the joy??

Perhaps it’s me, and I don’t get what a music show is supposed to be about, perhaps I simply lack music etiquette! And maybe music is supposed to be enjoyed sitting down with our feets close together, and hands firmly clutched on our laps. (Oh and don’t forget the occasional mean/hateful gaze aimed at the singers they don’t like) *shrugs*

*Yawn* there I go rambling again..I’m sleepy now, still no luck with that Eid song.I guess I’d just go sleep, with my Eid celebrations incomplete L.

Eid Mubarek Everyone!

Back from my state of Wu Wei

2009-09-12T13:11:00.006+06:00

To think another bloggy birthday has come and gone and I didn’t even bother..

To look back and see I have ended in such a dramatic tone...with such a big declaration that would make one, think I have gone and conquered the world...

When in fact I have been guilty of the opposite and just glided through life, akin to a twig in a flowing river. I was waiting quietly and practicing my Wu Wei, waiting for things to manifest from the emptiness and quiet of my universe. I was dabbling in the river and simply watching the world pass by.

I could never wrap my head around certain aspects of Tao philosophy, where things come to be through non-action or “Wu wei”, things are never made or formed, they simply come to be, and they emerge from nature, even the character of a Taoist. According to Tao, I am not writing this, its just flowing out of me, I do not create it, it just flows.

“For a Taoist action begins in ‘balance’, and he or she "acts without acting" and does not rush ahead according to a "principle." They wait readying themselves, letting their deeds emerge spontaneously and naturally, actions flow naturally; as day flows from night, as the acts and words of the Taoists flow from their character. A Taoist does not make them happen; he/she quietens his nature, so that they can happen of themselves. “

I think it’s high time I stopped practicing flowing, and started swimming in a direction I want, because I have a feeling this twig isn’t going to flourish without interference. Perhaps as the Taoists go I might have simply reached my turning point or “principle of reversion”, and its time I changed and the reverse process began.

To new beginnings, metamorphosis, growth and the past...

I am not going to sit at the curb waiting for my rocket to come, I am going to go find the blue prints and make my own rocket. I will fuse into the universe and become part of it and burst into colors, not because I have simply let go, but because I want to be a part of it. I am going to swim across the river and climb the mountains and watch the flowers blossom..for I have returned from my Wu wei state

( Tao philosophy is too vast and complicated for me to sum it up here.. I have just talked about a few Tao principles I find interesting, it is in no way meant to offend anyone)

it really is alright...

2008-10-18T15:29:00.004+06:00

When I saw this poster it just reached out to me... Its dedicated to everyone out there who is hoping, searching, trying and even living their dreams. Its alright to aspire, and have it all.

Its our right to believe, to want and to have.

Waiting for my rocket to come....

2008-09-18T03:40:00.009+06:00

I sit at the curb at the end of the universe..my weight making the rim sag slightly as I wait impatiently, glancing at my watch from time to time. I stare into the hollow night, a night devoid of the disarray of stars, except for just a lone star in the north,blinking now and then to its own rhythm. A few clouds bobbed along shivering now and then as a chilly wind blew across, I looked around searching, waiting unsure of what I am seeking..

I took a deep breath and huddled as the frosty fingers of the night embraced me.I closed my eyes, resting my soul at the crook of the galaxies arm..just letting go...simply letting go...tumbling, floating, bursting into a million little pieces as I fused with the darkness.

Black, blue, gray, red and yellow, emotions of every imaginable colour washed over me tainting me as I tried to fill the void, the black hole the hollowness of the night that was me.

It was as if the night was me turned inside out, and that lone star was going to be my beacon, my saviour. But it was far so very far, almost..I extended my hand uncurling my fingers..reaching out.. to realize it was yes, almost out of reach. I slowly withdrew my hand forming a tight fist,my finger nails biting sharply into my flesh, as my face turned warm and my foolishness sank in, its colour slithering across my soul.

The haziness drifted away slowly, as the fog lifted, making me realize my saviour was in another dimension, another galaxy and what I was waiting for, was my rocket.

Yes for my rocket, for my rocket to come, so it could blast off and take me away. Away from the night, away from the hollowness, away from the whispers and the ghosts that beckoned me.

I sighed as I sat there, at the very edge of the universe.. waiting.. hoping ..waiting for my rocket to come..

waiting ..sitting..hoping.. waiting ..for my rocket to come..

...

emancipation of sorts....

2008-09-12T11:01:00.006+06:00

Thud, thud the vein at the right side of my temple kept beating furiously, the sound of blood surging through its tiny lumen roaring in my ear like the wail of the monsoon sea. So rough, so harsh, so scary , yet so powerful that with each of its beating it lifted up my heart making it flutter in my chest and banged it right across my rib cage. I felt the tide rise, frothing up slowly, inch by inch my throat closed up as if in slow motion, I clutched the table tightly my knuckles so stiff that it should have hurt, my breathing fast, like that of a dying eternity gasping for the last elixir of life. I tried to get up and run towards the window only to realize that my feet wouldn't move and they were molded in lead. I thrashed against the bench, the roar so loud that nothing else made sense anymore and it was just the sound and only the sound.

I tried to shut out the sound, the horrible ringing, a ringing which seemed to form a lattice through my veins, it kept getting louder and louder and finally I screamed and opened my eyes and set up in my bed drenched in sweat, the beating at my temple still there, but slowly able to swallow, as my fists clutching the red satin sheets relaxed and my eyes focused on the phone that was blinking away madly and ringing as if the world was on fire and I realized it has all been a dream. I pulled away the sheets and wriggled my toe, yes these were still moving and padded across the room to my lone window, I took a deep breath as I took in the world. Another glorious day with a slight chill in the air, as an old lady with a bag wobbled by clutching her grandsons hand firmly and a group of kids kept running around laughing and jumping right in to the puddles left by last night's downpour, as couples roared past in bikes leaving a trail of pungent perfume and the sun beamed down on me as if to mock me, while the soft breeze played with my hair as if we all were in a good mood, and ready to welcome the world. Ironic.

I let out a grunt and tucked my hair firmly behind my ears and shut the window, wanting to block the irony of it all, trying to ignore the hurricane of emotions that seemed to have found permanent residence in my head these days. I let out a soft sigh trying to subdue the tide as I poured myself some coffee, yelping as the white crystals scattered all over the counter, making me knock over the cup, spilling the hot water on to my thighs. Aaargh!! I grabbed some paper towels and wiped my sore thigh and pushed the cup back angrily, making it spill some more before it fell and shattered right at my feet. I felt tears of frustrations well up as I tried to gather the broken shreds of ceramic hurriedly until I saw the paper towel get soaked red and realized I was bleeding but there was no pain ,for the pain deep within my soul was so intense that I couldn't feel anything else.

It was one of those twirling dark abyss, and I was falling into it slowly, I was determined not to but somehow I seemed to be pushing myself deeper into it. It was as if time stood still once more and left me right in the middle buried half way in the murky waters of despair and the saddest thing was that I wasn't swimming anymore. I just stood very still, numb, ready to go with the tide, ready to be taken apart slowly and become nothing more than just drops of water. I heard my soul scream and protest but I ignored it and stood there going through the motions of life, smiling, laughing, crying right on cue whenever I was required to. I had years of practice and perfection has become just a habit when it came to fooling the rest of the world…

Yes, so I was a kindled spirit of Marvin (the robot), till I walked into the rest room at work yesterday, and tried to open the hand shower, and the shower head ended up in my hand, and again there was that loud roar, that horrible sound, as water spurted right out like a water fountain, drenching me from head to toe. I struggled with the shower trying to shut it off and in the process getting sprayed several times over, before I finally succeeded, and then there was silence as I walked across to the mirror and saw that there wasn't a spot on my shirt that was dry except for the back and water droplets were trinkling down my glasses, I felt tears well up once more and then I heard a sob, and then the strangest thing happened. I started laughing, and I felt my frustrations ebb away slowly , it was like my soul had cracked open and the vile pungent fumes were slowly floating away from me. I took in a deep breath smiling to myself, truly smiling to myself in days, as I once again recalled I am someone who will not let the world make me its puppet. I am someone who was here to enjoy, to make the best of life and to live. It was as if the jet of water had woken me up to myself and I smiled to myself once more glad to be me once again, glad to have battled my demons, and glad to be given another chance to harness the sound and make it music and glide with it…

Yes.. the sound.. so beautiful like music to my ears.. the sound washed over me as my heart beat in rhythm and the vein at my temple hummed in melody…

Dum spiro spero ..reinforced!

2008-08-13T13:54:00.006+06:00

After a lot of grunting and puffing, a harsh weak cry of " euwaaah euwaaah" filled up the small labour room at exactly 5:30 am on 13^thof August 2008. He came into the world flailing his fists angrily with a menace look on his face as he took in his surrounding and took his first vile breaths of this treacherous, huge, alien yet surprising sometimes beautiful and kind world. His eyes widened and his mouth formed a perfect ‘O’ before his tiny little face crumbled and turned fiery red and more cries filled up the room. It was as though he was out and ready to wake up the slumberous night and get them on their toes for his arrival.

Yes, this bundle of energy born to a complete stranger right in front of me on my birthday had immediately demanded and taken a spot in my heart.

I couldn’t help myself, and I kept smiling telling the mother that it was my birthday and wondering out loud how the baby was going to be. I told her maybe he’d turn out like me, as if it’s the most wonderful thing and I beamed at her. She gave me this weak smile winced and kept nodding. I bet she was cursing me under her breath wondering what I was so cheerful about when she was going through absolute torture.

Life can be beautiful, and life is most beautiful when u see it come to ‘life’ right infront of you and take its first breath, and open its eyes and looks around and gives out its first shrill cry announcing its arrival. Its truly miraculous to feel a small, animated bundle in your arms snuggling up, so warm, so tiny and so defenseless .You can’t help but feel a sense of protection and responsibility towards this beautiful gift of life. I held him close to me tightly and wished him all the luck and uttered a silent prayer. I will probably never see him again.

I am feeling a hint of melancholy, but such is the wheel of life, we get touched, tainted, changed and transformed by things we’d never even think about. For me that baby was the best birthday gift. That moment where, I felt all my disappointments and "brickwalls" melt away and become one with happiness, life, hope and living was an eternal gift. A beacon of hope and wanting...

Yes I remembered my shibboleth once again...

Dum spiro spero...

( I hope as long as I breathe ... )

Brida - A Novel by Paulo Coelho.. my take on it..

2008-08-08T13:03:00.003+06:00

My heart skipped a beat when I saw the golden letters glitter in the bookshops best selling books shelf.

Brida by Paulo Coelho.

The name Paulo Coelho always incites this sense of excitement in me, and I can’t help but hope this is going to be the book that will precede Alchemist and deliver me from the rest of my ignorance and rejuvenate my dormant spirit and deliver me higher.

But time and again I’ve been disappointed, but then again once you fall in love with something you are biased and you cannot help yourself but be awed and this author is one such ‘beautiful thing’ of life for me.

“No one can posses the beautiful things of this Earth, but we can know them and love them.”

And anyone who tries to posses such a thing will be forced to watch it fade away and die, like the beautiful roses on your window sill... So I try to read and know his books and like he says I can only know a good wine If I have tasted a bad one and once I find another good one I would be ready to savour and drink the whole bottle or like this book take sips of it.

Its painful yes to realize that you cannot posses what you love and want. All those of you who have been in love or has loved something and did not have your love returned will know what I am talking about. I thought the saddest thing in life was to want something with all your being and to never be able to have it.

Until.. until Brida opened my eyes.. it’s the most profound yet simplest of things. It says. “ you will never be mine, and that is why I will never lose you. Love is liberty. I will always remember you and you will remember me, just as we will remember our memories together and all the things we'll always have because we cannot possess them.”

Synthetic happiness perhaps… but whose to say that’s wrong. ( we will leave that for another post)

The book Brida is by no means anything close to Alchemist but it has struck a chord with me and the few of its phrases which are so simple yet so profound will undoubtedly be something I believe and quote for time immemorial.

I have this new found sense of being right after all as Paulo goes..

“Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong, even a stopped clock is right twice a day”

...

chicken feathers and poop..

2008-07-30T13:07:00.004+06:00

Have you ever woken up with the feeling that this was going to be another monotonous day like the countless others you’ve had and had it turn into something totally unexpected and unforgettable?

Well I did and I had just that happen to me the other day...

It was a normal day, routine rounds, usual cases of viral fever that’s been plaguing the area since time immemorial kept drifting into my room one by one. Until a man walked in, his right eye bloodshot I sat up straight sensing something different in the air and inquired. Lo and behold the poor fellows been pecked by a bird while riding his bicycle! Yes! Right inside his eye.. in his eyeballs yes the very white part of it !!!Ouch!! I ooed and aahed and sympathized and cursed the wayward birds..

I settled back again, since there was a lull and concentrated on getting some reading done, and all of a sudden there was a cacophony of voices outside my door and a man was brought in cuffed and all. And the next two hours was just excruciating, it was x rays, a butthole, poop, bullets, poop some more poop and a 2 more bullets again. Mind you these are no ordinary bullets, these are super expensive ones filled with the white stuff. Iv got my skin scrolling again.. just imagine enduring the smell the visuals and the sounds for two whole hours... Ugh!

I finally managed to calm my self down and a genial looking man walked in and set down with a sheepish smile and said I’v got a chicken feather stuck in my ear!! I pulled his ear this way and that way and peered finally locating the cursed feather stuck deep inside his ear snuggling comfortably next to his ear drum. The poor chicken feather! the heat the humidity and the confinement, after wrestling with the dud I sent the patient off.

I let out a long sigh and glanced at my watch to realize my shift was almost over and exhaled slowly and closed my eyes for a second trying to shake off the weirdness and the poopiness of the day.

Guess sometimes monotony isn’t so bad after all, but then again life's all about discovery and experiencing the unchartered , however restricted or narrow the place may be.

It was a day of body cavities and thank god for the cavities that was spared..I dare not imagine what all I might have had to pull out if the rest of the cavities had been occupied.

...

t.h.r.3.3!!!

2008-07-16T11:57:00.002+06:00

Three years and 2 days, amazing how time passes...

Like all gods creations I have been selfish to the point of neglect at times…and believe it or not it is painful for me to acknowledge this...

I do apologize, dear blog, we humans tend to take things for granted, especially when it comes to friends like you, who are unconditional and ever so compliant..

I want to take this moment to thank all of those who has ever passed by , cared enough to read it or leave a comment, letting me know I am not alone in my existence or feelings...

I pledge to be your friend and keep on posting , I cannot promise regularity but I am going to blog for a long time to come..for if I were to die tomorrow you would be my legacy...
(yes yet again a selfish thought!! sigh!!)

Corrigan's door..

2008-05-24T17:12:00.004+06:00

" To friends who help me find myself..May you all find your pink puff balls, your Corrigan’s door.."

I stretched my arms extending my fingers as much as I could, exhaling slowly mesmerized by the curling smoke clouds grazing my mouth, just before I closed my eyes, tumbling into that warm fuzzy place inside me. Yes that pink puffy one with a haze around it, its edges almost faded with a constant drizzling of glitter forever reining its presence.

I felt a smile edge its way into my being as I recalled one special night, a late night with five good friends, a steaming cup of hot chocolate with gooey marshmallows a lot of high brow talk. It was a night on which my favorite dream of becoming a fairy came true. Yes my little aluminum foil crown, glitter covered wand and purple wings with its bright sheen was enough to give me a natural high, transcending me once again to my all familiar pink puff ball. A place where I could lose myself again and again, a place where pretense and make belief was a way of life, a place where I could just be me and life could be upside down and I could be inside out.

It was a night of contemplation, a night of rebirth. A lot of things fell into perspective as the realization of our foolishness sank in, our foolishness in expecting the world to care, the world to feel and to know and understand. Yes an almighty task indeed, a selfish one too. How can we be gullible enough to think life was ours and the stage was set and we were the conductor? How could we?

But we could for I could close my eyes and I could touch my crown and flutter my wings as they were my own. I could for I was an escapist a dreamer and a brave soul. For I dare as you should to look for the rainbow where trouble melted like lemon drops, and pumpkins turned into carriages and frogs became princes.

Though it won’t be long before the clock strikes 12 and the wand stops working and the wings crumble and the aluminum looses its glitter and the pink cloud become ashes leaving me emancipated with my eyes still closed and my arms stretched awkwardly. A fool if you will, a fool who would dare to dream, to believe for life is my pink puff ball and I can be a fairy whenever I choose to and my secret door would be waiting for me

Yes with the conviction that my Corrigan’s door, my pink puff ball would revive me time and again..

Me,myself and my soap bubble..

2008-04-11T13:34:00.004+06:00

Croak! Croak! The silence of the night was breached by the orchestrated croaking of the frogs leaping amongst the grasses that reigned the night. A night filled with the intoxicating smell of the flowers that adorned my window sill and the stifling heat of the morning which just refused to dissipate.

I lay awake, somewhere between worlds, asleep but awake, alert but lost...Yes a bundle of tangled emotions hanging by a wisp of a spider’s web. Thoughts of ‘if not’s and ‘if onlys’ drifted into my mind, I braced myself, gearing up to strangle each of those leeches, one at a time, lest the venom of beratement and self doubt slithered in.

Life, as it is, where ever one maybe, cross roads, smooth sailing or harsh winds, there is always something casting its shadow, an unfulfilled desire, an unachievable goal or an unacceptable truth perhaps. But as the great ‘Sakura’ symbolizes, be it adversity or joy it will pass, for each moment and in whole life is transitory. It’s all about endurance and perception.

When it’s those raptous moments where the sun shines, and the world is infused with the aroma of happiness and joy, and the sky seems to be the limit, rarely any of us would, stop and wonder or question our fate. We are more than happy to glide along and float away till we are rudely awakened from our slumber of deceit with the sound of all calamities breaking loose.

Alas, that’s only when we open our eyes, gasping as we plunge deep into the abyss, desperately flaying about to clutch to the fringes of hope. But fall we will for life is no flat ground.

Calm down, take a deep breath, relax and Fall.

Yes, I say Fall!

But in the right way, that is with the reassurance that we will prevail, be it by sketching figures on the wall or unraveling the mysteries of life.

Yes hobble and fall…For we all have it in us the strength to get up and climb over and fly away from the pit of despair.

Its not just about making hay while the sunshine’s, its about taking a step back relaxing when the sun is not blazing. Its about turning those stormy rainy days into, fruitful fragments of our lives.

It’s about making lemonade when life hands you lemons.

Spin it, wind it, take it apart, put it together, do what you have to, for it’s a matter of perception and we posses the power to float our bubble.

Yes the power, to transcend and to escalate to the realm where, resurrection is a habit and we are the master and the bubble is our oyster.

...

Liberation..

2008-02-29T12:53:00.001+06:00

My fingertips moved over your soul etched out on your body, with colors of the rainbow seeping deep into your skin. The stories of your life lined as creases at the corner of your eyes. Your hopes curving along your mouth, and down the length of your throat as my lips traced its path. Your pain hovering under your hooded eyes, your happiness playing hide and seek with the rhythm of your eyelashes. Your pleasure raking through your soul and resounding in the silence of the universe as I diffused into you, merging into one ,drifting into oblivion as a star burnt and a silent storm brewed somewhere in the milkyway.

Abandonment, total liberation..

Have you ever dared?

Would you ever? ....

Indigo haze..and lavender

2007-12-17T04:41:00.000+06:00

I yelped and opened my eyes as something blunt and angled poked my spine, pressing right into my back, sending several short spurts of pain thru my nerve roots. I flailed my right arm trying to push away, whatever that was poking me, as my eyes adjusted to the dim light from the TV and the cacophony of some channel ( ESPN was on.. and the bloody football fans were unto their usual hooplas!!).

After a bit of grunting and shoving I turned around as I realized it was my brother’s wretched knee practicing karate chops in his sleep on my poor back!! Arrgh! He managed to completely wipe away any traces of sleep from me and sent me off into a deep abyss of thought of life and me, that is mostly me…

Life and me, two unfathomable objects I’s never quite grasped floated about in my grey matter, taking long strides, eluding me as it always did. I know who I am, I am Shanooha after all, but I still wasn’t even close to figuring out who is me. Sometimes I think I have split personalities, leading me to deviate from what and who I am supposed to be. But then I think to myself there is no particular way I am supposed to be. I am just me…and that’s that.

Perhaps something’s are never meant to be figured out. Perhaps it’s the mystery of not knowing, the innocence and bliss of ignorance, which keeps us going; you know that element of surprise. If everything was indeed laid out in the open there would be no purpose and no sense of living, because we already know the out come and there’s nothing we can do about it. It would be a wretched world with a restricted, ingrained and bound outcome, from which there is no escape or release...

I sighed and closed my eyes… as

I drifted deep into the chasm, as tufts of clouds carried me through the indigo haze with the light aroma of lavender tantalizing me, luring me into the unknown, beckoning me towards a silvery beacon. I reached out, only to realize I was the silver light, I breathed in slowly trying to capture the aroma, only to realize I was the lavender and that the indigo was me. I opened my mouth willing it to do its own magic, only to hear a silent scream ringing thru the dead of the night as the glass cracked and the light disappeared and I was left with just the lull of a strange rhythm, that was the night and the sweet fragrance of lavender.

Pain..

2007-11-30T14:21:00.001+06:00

Tight ropes bound around my heart,
A thousand needles gorge my soul
A knife slices through my being,

Am I never to be right?
Can I never do the right thing..
There’s no escape from myself

And as long as I am me...

All I can be is a...
a shattered being merely holding together ..
a million pieces which doesn’t fit together..
a second which doesn’t exist ..
a forsaken soul..
a doomed soul

Welcome home..

2007-10-21T04:55:00.000+06:00

26th day home

16th day of fever

Status: confined to home

Activity: almost none

Mood: calm to frustrated.

Cause of fever: First Viral, then dengue and now unknown still undergoing investigations

Emotions: Grrrr!!!!! * pulls at my hair*

Rants: I thought I’d come back relax hang out for two weeks before starting work, but looks like the only sort of enjoying and hanging out I do is with my bed and the loo ofcoz, I forgot to mention about the vomiting the diarrhoea..and bouts of coughing..Oh well I guess coming back after 6 yrs.. this is the only way to be truly welcomed home :) ..

NO TO TERRORISM! DON'T TOUCH OUR MALDIVES!

2007-10-04T14:36:00.000+06:00

We don't want terrorists and terrorism in our Maldives!

Join the cyber-protest by Maldivian bloggers.

S.C.U.M

2007-09-11T01:03:00.000+06:00

Amidst a blue berry swirl, chocolate almond praline and banana caramel, our conversation drifted on to the immortal topic of (some) men and their ( ahem ) not so palatable , over compensated, evolutionarily retarded souls.

Yes on to the sticky topic of men who are nothing more than scum! Yes! Simply scum! Scum! Scum! Scum!

Breathe... Breathe! Sorry about that. The scum do infiltrate my alveoli from time to time... Sigh... the nasty buggers!

Now on to an objective analysis of ‘the scum’… (Equivalent to 75.23% of the ‘available’ male population). The way we see it, there are different types and levels of scum, each one with a whole different classification, stratified into innumerous levels and categories.

The scum turned friend scum:

This is one of the nastiest, most adherent, infiltrating type of scum, which simply cannot be sprayed or scraped off with anti-scum spray. Infact they are so stubborn that even the harshest of stain removals surrender and put their arms down in failure and shame!

They are like the treacherous witch in Hansel and Gretel who lures us with the chocolate covered cookies of trust, confidence and unconditional love. Puffs of cotton candies full of security, happiness and exuberance which makes us bare our souls and stand butt naked. Vulnerable, ready and willing to go around in the merry go round of fabrication. But in an instant we are pushed towards the pot of boiling water. The bubbling water of treachery, fused with venom, which scalds our skin away as, we awaken from our slumber of disillusion to be left with a permanent scar. A constant reminder of how bad our judgment was and how nasty this scum is.

The pseud0-man scum:

This is a moderate version of scum, which will not go away with anti scum spray but a good scrubbing with the harshest of stain removal never fails to do the job. Be warned though, this scum’s known to leave a bitter after taste in your mouth.

This is the slow boat ride with Prince Eric and Little Mermaid as fireflies fluttered around and fishes squirted water in unison to Sebastian’s Kisshhh the gurll. Sigh! The perfect world, the perfect man, where nothing could ever come between you and your one true love. Stop! Nothing except an equivalent of Ursula the sea witch, who’d give one look at your prince charming and he’d be wagging his tail like old Bruno. Yet once again, stomping on our trust and emotions as they leave us hanging by a twig, from which a fine line of scum trickles down.

We must not forget the chest thumping, beer gulping, mirror worshipping half witted equivalent of Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, who thinks he’s gods gift to women. They are flashy, manipulative and the word ‘no' simply doesn’t filtrate through their cemented skulls.

The one night wonder scum:

This is a milder less vigilant version of scum, which simply needs to be sprayed off with a good quality anti-scum spray. But until and unless we find such a spray they seem to play their part quite well, tarnishing our self esteem and confidence.

It’s like a walk along the path to Little Red’s grandma’s house, and you bump into the big nasty wolf. With his suave moves you can’t help yourself but be tempted, especially when he dresses up as the kindly old grandma full of sugar and spice, making you shed your inhibitions. (no this is not some freak lesbian pseudo porn act) But as soon as you get closer he pounces on you and then leaves without so much as a call. Thrashing your confidence to shreds and stripping away your self esteem as you are once more bathed in scum.

Yes it all about scum! Big scum! Small scum! Tall scum! Circular scum! Shapeless scum!

It’s a scum of a world, but a truck full of scum could hardly shred and tatter our souls. For we are women of the world and as the alien ant goes.. ‘We will survive!’

Disclaimer : This is the collective experiences of the blue berry, chocolate almond and banana caramel and does resemble living characters and is purely non-fictional and non-coincidental.

Hail the umbrellas!

2007-08-26T13:56:00.000+06:00

It was an ordinary day, a dull day, the sky was its usual shade, there were no particularly awe striking cloud patterns nor was there a lonely monkey dangling off a power line. It was just a normal day and there was nothing remarkable about it.

I was walking home from college with one of my friends, like I always do, my bag on my shoulder, an umbrella in one hand and my jeans rolled up a bit, so that it didn't get soiled from the dog and cow poop and the dead and rotting crows and rats intestines and the innumerous spit pools on the side walk.

A guy walked past us, a measly guy, a totally unremarkable human being and he turns around and stares at us rudely, looking us up and down without any hesitation or decency. We ignore him, and he keeps turning and continuously staring at us after every three or four steps. We glared at him pointedly, but he didn't take the hint.

Mind you this is a place where staring is the norm, especially if you are different and I stick out like a sore thumb. I tower over most of the girls and I am a plus sized girl (god forbid you see something like that! ) and I have curly hair, (it has to be straight or re-bonded hair!!) and my sense of fashion is somewhat off the 'normal' scale too. I might as well have 'weirdo or freak show' tattooed over my forehead.

Now keeping that little bit of information in mind, this staring was nothing out of the ordinary, it fit in right with the days theme of being totally unremarkable. But we've had enough of an unremarkable day and we decided to turn the tables around and harass the guy a bit if he turned around once more. Between the two of us we could have taken him down in a minute or two. (I could have taken him down alone in 5 :D )

Lo and behold he turned around again, and we put on our meanest faces and stared right back, he turned away hurriedly and we both started saying 'psst', he quickened his steps, but I guess he couldn't help himself and he turned around once more and we both raised our umbrellas and quickened our steps, as though we were ready to run after him. He started walking faster, breaking into a slight run and we burst out laughing as he disappeared around the corner without another backward glance.

Yay!

I felt good, we felt good, we've done something we wouldn't do normally, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

Hail the umbrellas!

We both walked on with a smile, suddenly the sky looked bluer and I could have sworn there was a fluffy dolphin high in the sky..I guess the day wasn't so ordinary after all, it wasn't dull at all. Infact it was a remarkable day!!

Quite a remarkable day! :)

The object of my lust..

2007-08-20T10:19:00.000+06:00

This post is dedicated to a friend of mine with a very special butterfly..a butterfly that is old,used and barely funcional!

Warning! Reading this post might (most definitely will!) bring about a certain sense of nausea and several trips to the loo. If this happens don't panic! Its just normal.But if you do not experience any of these symptoms you are most probably a fixture of Mr.Butterflies world and hence a component of the improbability drive.Which quite frankly and simply mean you have terrible taste!!

Consider yourselves warned!!!

At first it was a mere speck in the distance, just a pink haze, slowly it moved closer and closer and she held her breath in anticipation, afraid to move a single fibre of her being, incase it all disappeared in to the throngs of nothingness.

This was the moment she has been waiting for,’the object of her lust’ was finally infront of her, in flesh and blood.

She stared in awe as he stepped out of his pink tuft,wearing nothing but a tutu and a smile.His wings fluttered in excitement sprinkling pixie dust into the midst of the night and all over his fine mustache and small pouch of a belly and his pink ballerina shoes.

He shook his shoulders and flicked his hair and beamed , giving her that heart warming smile.

She was lost, lost forever, floating high above the white tufts, and there were ribbons all around them.Ribbons of gold, black and red, twirling around their intertwined bodies as they soared into the ethereal world.The cherubs with their harps couldn't make her take her eyes off him, the lightening bolts and bells couldn't jolt her.For she was sinking into the quicksand of flesh and lust. She was his. Body,soul and mind. (Especially body, especially when dressed in a certain way, especially with her foxy hair style!)

He smiled and she became a million petals, washing all over him, gently slowly, engulfing him in her fragrance.He touched her and she was a bunch of peacock feathers, blue,green and gold, humming in unison, swaying to the music of lust.

He whispered her name and her eyes snapped open and she tightened her fingers around his and he said ‘You are the object of my lust,the fire of my loins!' and she became the stars, the universe, the galaxy all fused into one, she melted she evaporated and then she transcended down.

Her feet touched that strip of red ribbon, she looked at him, he looked at her, and they sighed.. their grips tightened and they looked into the horizon,together, as one.. and they started trotting , trotting over the hills the seas and the deserts, toward the immortal rainbow. Towards the colors of lust.

She was in heaven, for he was the elixir of life ,the pinnacle of her nirvana and the object of her lust.

Two years wiser, sillier and totally unreasonable!

2007-07-15T04:01:00.000+06:00

Fifty one posts, two templates, dozens of heartbreaks, buckets of ecstatic moments and zillions of dull days without even a whisper of creativity and Two years and one day later ..

We still prevail...
We still believe
We still hope..
We still exist.

My blog and me.

Dum spiro spero

Yelp! Squash!!

2007-07-06T07:47:00.000+06:00

Its a dark night. Its a simple night, an uncomplicated night, a night like any other night. Thoughts floating through my mind, bits of feelings coursing through my veins, snippets of conversation browsing my soul as I sit back content happy uncomplicated and stare into the distance. My eyes adjust to the darkness and I start seeing silhouettes, I hear a wail in the distance as the trees begin to whisper and the rain starts to play a melody.I open the window a bit and the chill floats inside surrounding me as the smell of freshly thrashed grass and earth embrace me.

I notice a squad of ants marching up my window sill, proud brave fearless and unhindered by cosmic conspiracies.I watch them scurry around with no inclination of squashing or brushing them away.And a snippet of conversation latched on to me, a conversation about the unwelcome ants u find scuttling on your arm giving u a sense of invasion , and the occasional ones that would bite and make you yelp and about how you would hurriedly squash every single one of them instead of looking for the one which actually bit you.

As the ants huffed and puffed around my candle holder thoughts twirled around the simple analogy my friend used to describe relationships.About how he's brushed away all the ants instead of just killing the one that bit him. About how he'd rather banish all just because of one cruel ant, about how he would deny himself the pleasure of the ants tantric moves and the hypnotic chants..just because

The reasoning didn't sit well with me,I was not happy, not happy about the discrimination and I had to voice my concerns and fight for the ants rights.I cannot let such an injustice be committed.I will not let such anarchy be practiced with my knowledge.

Ouch! stupid ant. Slap! and I'd killed the whole row of ants.Oh crap..I 'd done exactly the same thing he's guilty of.I'd killed the whole army just because of one senseless ant.

Shame on me!

Sigh.. I should really start instilling the habit of looking for the ant that actually bit me and get rid of just that one.But I cant seem to, I am just as guilty as he is, when it comes to rows of ants..when it comes to opening myself, when it comes to...

Oh well..

I closed my window and crawled into bed and switched off my monitor plunging the room into darkness, and I slipped into the pitch black night, into the darkness, a darkness like the one that surrounds me when I am spiraling down endlessly in my dreams...the darkness of oblivion..

man down..woman down.. connection down..

2007-06-30T21:46:00.001+06:00

alert..beep beep connection down.. down..dowwnnn...

Ray of sunshine..

2007-06-19T23:56:00.000+06:00

Life's strange, its a paradox, its something I cannot define and I am not sure about a lot of things in my life.But one thing I am sure of are people who are dear to me.The family I was blessed with and the family I chose for myself. The best bits of life indeed..

And one rainy day, when the skies were angry, the rain fierce and the thunder and lightening furious, a ray of sunshine chose to brave it all and touch me.Its warmth spread through my veins making my soul glow and shine.

It was my pillar of strength, my universe of hope.

My ray of sunshine..

" "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance.They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.

Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts And we are never, ever the same."

This is to you, Shanu, to remind you that you are loved and cared for, and that you will get through this with the ease and calmness that you so effortlessly put in all that you do.

Have faith in yourself and in God and all will be well.
You will be in our prayers .... and keep on singing 'dum spiro spero'

Will miss you faisal and ameera "

The sky calmed down and the rain fled as the thunder and lightening crawled back and the sun shone proudly and majestically once more..

I was fine again, for I know my ray of sunshine's always with me.. as I am always with them.

I believe I've been blessed with the rarest of the rare, the most precious of all, a true friendship.

I've been blessed with a ray of sunshine.

My ray of sunshine...

I've tried to frame a message of my own around a message from a friend to let them know how much they mean to me.I cannot even begin to express what I feel ,words have simply failed me. I know it sounds very cliche.. but it is true! This particular message is something that I want to preserve for a long long time.. it is one of my most coveted possessions. .something that got me through the darkest time of my life and something I believe will continue to be my ray of sunshine.

Thank you Kyan,Amyra and Faisal..I love you and I will miss you all a lot.. I know! I simply suck at goodbyes.

I the dot.

2007-06-06T13:55:00.000+06:00

I stood on the ledge of the world today, looking down at the vast emptiness.It was as if my soul was spread out before me, a vacuum, a black hole, a bottomless drop.Wasn't a pretty site I tell you..I looked further and then I saw a star shining.. burning brightly in the distance..I reached out to it, my fingers stretched as far as i could but I couldn't touch it. It was in another galaxy, another dimension, another time.

I cried in anguish and frustration, and stamped my feet in a huff and screamed.It was a heart wrenching scream, it bounced back washing over me.I felt the pain the ache and anger in it and I felt tears sting my eyes and a cold hand clutch at my heart. Squeezing the life out of me, the pressure was so intense the pain so raw, all I wanted to do was to tear my heart and soul and throw it out. I wanted to disappear.I wanted to go numb.I wanted to feel nothing.I wanted to be that empty space.

But alas, I couldn't.

I would never.

Because I wont give up.I wouldn't give in.

I couldn't. It justwasn't in me to quit.

I closed my eyes and turned my face towards the light, I breathed in letting the light enter me letting the warmth engulf me.I opened my eyes, a sense of calm settling in as i looked at the vacuum, I started seeing more and more sparkling spots, I could have sworn I saw a shooting star as well. I saw a phoenix soaring high.I turned around following its path I reached out once more.

This time I took my feet off the ledge, tumbling into the dark space, freewheeling , I felt the wind in my hair and face, I smelt the sweet smell of roses all around me I saw petals falling along side me. Bright red, pink, yellow and even an occasional black petal.I spread my hands catching them in my palm and I felt something crack inside me, I felt a thousand tendrils growing within my soul, I saw my body turn into a kaleidoscope of colors. I let go and closed my eyes, falling further and further.. becoming a mere dot in the vastness.

A brightly burning sweet smelling dot.

A dot full of hope and aspirations.

A dot ready to put it all behind and start living.

The dot of life.

..... simply becoming .... I the dot.

Fireflies..

2007-05-23T07:41:00.000+06:00

The unmistakable aroma of jasmine wafted through the night air, as fireflies buzzed around the grassy patch at the side of the road and Venus sparkled high up in the sky. I felt an urge, an urge to vanish , an urge to get lost.I felt a need, a need to flow into it , a need to merge becoming one with it all.

How ever many times I see it, I can never get over the beauty of the fireflies as they buzz around, dotting the ground with bobbing sparkles like a dynamic star studded sky.

A site so enchanting, so beautiful.

A site I wanted to stare at forever.

The beautiful fireflies.I wanted to catch them and trap them in time with me, in a moment, in a bubble.

I caught a firefly once ( I didn't, a friend of mine did, I for the life of me could never catch anything..) and put it in a bottle. As it lost its sparkle ,I saw for the very first time what a firefly really looked like.It was an ugly little thing,an ordinary bug, a creepy crawly which would have normally made my skin crawl.I was quite puzzled, how could something so ordinary be so special and beautiful and mesmerize millions of people.I stared at the wretched little thing and uncapped the bottle, it crawled gingerly towards the mouth of the bottle and in the next instant it transformed into the beautiful little sparkle, that I'd wanted to capture.I stared at it longingly as it flew in to the night sky becoming a mere speck in the distance.

Ironic isn't it? Its the same with a lot of things in life as well. Things often look good from afar,and for a short span of time as well but once you have it you realize its hardly what or how you thought it would be.And that it was all an illusion, an idea, a thought,one that could never be (or perhaps even should be) captured.

Had I bothered to looked at it more I would have noticed the symmetry of it and the geometrical lines running down its back and the diamond shaped red patch near its eyes and wondered at how perfectly it had been made and how amazing it was that it did flash as a mating call.

But I was hasty and disappointed, I wanted it to fit into my version of how it should have been.I wanted it embody an idea I harboured and cherished.

Selfish me.

My vision did not extend beyond the tip of my nose..

Sigh I was just being who I was, a shallow human being.A normal human.

Theres a firefly buzzing near my window again tonight, and its messing with my mind and I want to get lost just disappear into the night and be part of it and buzz around.I don't want to be trapped in my room, in my bottle..

I want to flash.

I want my bottom to sparkle.

I want to be a firefly.

Why?

2007-05-12T22:57:00.000+06:00

There's a bite in the wind, and a chilly finger taps up and down my spine,as the leaves waltz with the breeze and a door slams somewhere, and the windows tattle, while the curtains sway in a nether world.I could see a light flickering far away as I stood close to my window, my breath forming a bizarre pattern on the glass I stared at the mist and absent mindedly blew on to the surface. One by one the lights went off, plunging the whole neighbourhood into a slumber, the whole world evaporating right before my eyes, leaving nothing but an empty hollow.A hollow that had no beginning or end.

A dark place, a place resounding with silence, a place as pitch black as the word 'betrayal'. The word flashed to me through the emptiness, its one word which has been crossing my path for the last week. Hold your horses right there. No no I haven't been betrayed, not recently and not in a way which has left any long term damages.( except perhaps opened my eyes a tad bit wider).

Its just been cropping up in every movie I watch ( from notes on a scandal to last king of Scotland to 5 others I saw ) as well as in stories I hear and things I read, so much so that I got thinking about the whole issue. Which lead to a lazy afternoon filled with a bit of hype as some of my friends and me tried to analyze why people cheat.

Why do people have this need to betray the one they 'love' or used to love.Why is it so hard to just walk away and do the 'right' thing.Why all the secrecy and sneaking around, when one could come out and simply say 'this isn't working out' and talk? Why do we not think about anyone besides ourselves? Why is it that the pain , hurt and tears of our children take a backseat? Why don't we think? Why don't we comprehend? What is it that makes us light the match stick that will set our lives as it is on fire.

So many whys.

Whys to which I certainly have no definite answers.

Whys to which I want some answers. ( if anyone has them)

Betrayal. A simple word, a word like any other.

But..

like the coldness of the night, the word fills me with a certain sense of numbness. Its such a shame when something so beautiful is reduced to nothing because of a few thoughtless acts..because of a few stolen words and moments,because we simply don't think and care enough.

Everything is put out... put off like the lights that go poof as the night grows deeper and the crickets come out , and the frogs leap and the beds creak while doors get locked tight and the sagas of betrayal come alive.

Hole in the sky..

2007-04-21T07:44:00.000+06:00

'There is a hole in the sky!! , really shanoo, seriously the sky looks as though its torn', that was my friend all excited jumping up and down clutching my hand almost cutting off the circulation. ( umm that was a bit of a dramatization,but she was pretty convinced there was a hole).I looked up and saw this spot with a ragged edge with this eerie looking light shinning through it..it was dusk and we were just up on the terrace watching the sun set against the hills.

Its one of those things I always talk about ( esp watching the sunrise ) but rarely gets around to actually doing .That day the fact we were having 6 hours load shedding ,having nothing else to do and a casual glance outside the window could have coincided with me actually going up to watch the sun set. :)

And there it was,unchanged, still one of the most beautiful sites I've ever set my eyes on as well as I will set my eyes upon. I know I have proclaimed that about a million times.But the world does seem to have a way with certain things, and each time I am convinced beyond doubt that its the most beautiful thing I've seen.

Yes,I am inconsistent.

Inconsistency is one of my strong.. ahem 'virtues' or perhaps even 'flaws'. (The glass can be half full ,empty or even it might be all a virtual deception,there might be no glass at all )

My inconsistency, can, has, and will prove to be of minor inconveniences I suppose. But is there a limit to these things? How am I to know that I am going to see something more beautiful or more horrendous tomorrow.After all I am no Nostradamus nor do I own a crystal ball, or see visions when I close my eyes. Neither did I get blessed with one of those ESP thingies.

Every time I say or describe ' the most beautiful thing' I do honestly believe it is and I would have a smile upon my face and sigh and I will get the urge to capture it and trap it in a bubble in the only way I know how to. ( which has come to the point where I am being called a Carebear! I'd love to get a heart shaped tattoo on my butt though but that's beside the point.)

Grr..focus.I was going to talk about the 'hole in the sky' but ended up ranting about a whole lot of other stuff. Not that I knew what I was going to write about,except perhaps about being sucked into the black hole and that how in reality it was just the evening star and all about how its a matter of perception.

Yes inconsistency there I go again.

Inconsistent,oblivious, flaky.

(P.s for some reason I cant get the image of rainbows ,hearts and flowers shooting out of my belly, off my mind ... all thanks to Hamza and Livehack. :) )

Crushed guava leaves and dead petals..

2007-04-14T07:43:00.000+06:00

The smell of freshly crushed leaves wafted through the air as I walked to college, the sun barely out of its slumber perched high on the shoulder of a white tuft,playing hide and seek and leaving me in a bit of confusion as to open my umbrella or not. After last nights shower of hail, the world looked fresh, pulverized and bruised.It was like the repeated torment of the falling hail had beaten out the blues and squeezed out the venom and cleansed out the stains.

Freshly ground aroma of guava leaves left me nostalgic,I used to have one back home and I used to take the leaves and just tear it and smell it and I instantly felt good. I couldn't help smiling as I walked on along, different thoughts streaming through my head.Not latching on any particular one as such but sending a surge of happiness through my veins.It was flowers blooming inside my veins this time, bright,blobs of color fused with an intoxicating aroma.I was happy,yes happy for no particular reason,but at the same time there was a hint of melancholy, a tinge of sadness, a feeling of loss.

I knew this probably was my last morning after a shower of hail here,slowly it was coming to an end.I've packed away my last winter, put it in a box and shoved it to the back, the coldness,the damn freezing numbness,its all gone now,put on temporary hold.

When I came back home in the evening there was still a linger of the smell of guava leaves, making me want, making me feel and making me smile. I was transported back in time,I wanted to pick a leaf but I didn't, I just walked on and when i got home I saw a bruised rose, half of its petals on the floor, I picked a couple of petals and felt it.. so soft so tender, so beautiful, so refreshing and so dead.I climbed up to my apartment the petals clutched firmly in my hand, wanting to hold on to the feeling, wanting to go back,wanting to get lost.

I opened my fist and looked at the petals, the fragments of my past and i saw an ant crawling around one petal, I brushed it away, and then held my palm open and blew away the petals into the wind. I let go, I looked at it fall to the ground, softly,gliding down coming to a rest.It didn't belong in my room,nor in my palm, just like my past,but it felt good to revel in it, just to reminisce and then let go.

Past has a funny way of catching up with us, bobbing its ugly rear end from time to time and enticing us with all its magic, but its alright as long as you know..

You know when

You know what

And you know how

.. to let go and live in the present, enjoy the quirks, the fall backs and the pleasures, enjoy the petals of a freshly bloomed flower or the smell of a freshly crushed guava leaf that exists right now. :)

Free..

2007-03-31T07:13:00.000+06:00

I untied the knot today, closed my eyes and opened the trapdoor of the vault, I'v never dared to tread. I hesitated for a moment and jumped, only to be wrapped around by this sense of doom, as dark velvety icy fingers caressed me, and a silent voice whispered and thousands of needles pricked my soul.

The iciness spread slowly,it gripped my arm moving up towards my neck, forming a lattice inside my veins, the tiny iciles pricked my heart a thousand times and more, making me clutch my chest in agony, as tears flowed down my cheeks,only to be trapped and frozen in time.

I landed with a thud on the floor,my body fragmenting into peices,millions of jagged little pieces, setting my shattered soul free.I floated up,towards the ceiling only to realize I could only go so far, there were tatters and iron balls hanging on my ankles.

I glided down slumping against the wall,the millions of pieces that ones used to be me at my feet.I took a good look at them,it was a tragically beautiful site, a kaleidoscope of colors getting fused together as the peices melted away forming a pool of all the hurt, sadness, fear, dissapointment, guilt and helplessness I used to be.

I let out a cry of despair only to realize I couldn't, I scrambled to my feet only to fall flat, but then something caught my attention a thin mist rising from the pool,resounding with an ethereal cry. I set very still, the mist started twinkling and glittering, a myraid of colors, I felt a slight flutter deep within my core, as I saw the happiness, joy, ecstasy and contentment I used to be displayed before me.

I reached out and the mist moved towards me, wrapping its arms around me, enfolding me within its fragrance its warmth, I closed my eyes and I felt it take over me, I felt my heart beat once again, I felt the blood scourging through my veins once more. I tasted life, and I smiled as tears trickled down.I opened my eyes and looked down as I felt my feet get wet, I thrashed agaisnt the tatters, breaking off the weights at my feet and I started to glide along with the mist, floating up towards the trapdoor.

I soared up, like a lone eagle my wings spread wide open, my eyes closed , joyous and at peace.I soared higher and higher, my wings casting a shadow over the ghost that once kept me in its cruel grip, a shadow over who I used to be, a shadow over the stain in my soul.

I was free once again, free to fly higher,higher than I ever thought I could.

I was free.

Free to be me.

Enshrouded..

2007-03-24T23:51:00.000+06:00

The ivory moon has a dark spot , a hazy dot where he hides.The moss covered rock is cracked and crumbling and its crevices are what he crawls into.The loud voices all around him,sings a song of doom and that's where he disappears .The ground he walks on is stippled with vacuums and that's what sucks him in.

His soul is a blindspot, and that's where he dwells.

His blindspot,his saviour.

His heart pumps blood,but venom is what surges through his veins.He breaths in gasping for air,but its despair and hate that fill his lungs.He reaches out towards the light,but his hands are sodden with broken dreams and empty bottles.He opens his eyes,but its only disappointment and betrayal that flow.He screams, only to realize that its his own hands that's squeezing the life out of him.

He looks down at himself,inside out,just a dot on an empty canvas. A soul no more.A love no more.A friend no more.And whispers 'I am no more'.

Self pity.

Yes that's what he is.

A big blob of self pity that's all he is.He swims in an ocean of pity with his hands and legs tied with ropes of pity,sinking slowly,coming undone bit by bit,till he himself is, nothing.

Yes, nothing more than a dark spot.

A blindspot.

A soul undone.

--- Dedicated to a friend of mine,trying to break those ropes.---

Mettlesome..

2007-03-10T06:34:00.000+06:00

I heard the clink of the bangles of my flat mates mom, as she moved around the kitchen,and I was jolted back in time and space . I could have sworn my mamma was here,I was just able to hold myself back from calling out to her and asking her for something or the other.

I stuffed my bags to the brim,with everything I could think of,from olive oil and hair cream (Jacqueline yes the green colored one,those days i couldn't live without it),batteries,toilet paper to all my favourite and not so favourite food stuff,when I left. As I think back its almost silly how fretful and worried I was,especially about stuff, about how I might not get what all I was used to and wanted ( yes I can be a bit of a snob).

That was almost 6 years ago,I was just out of my teens,bright eyed with big dreams, aspirations as well as a need to go away and be myself,do my own thing.I was plagued by this wanting to leave,I wanted to be someone, do something.I cant believe how naive I used to be, I thought I could change things and make a difference,I was an optimist and an altruist once upon a time.I was residing high up in a crystal globe,where I believed things would go right and if you did the right thing you would always be repayed back, eventually.

I was such a fool.

I was a dreamer.

I was a believer.

If I were to look at myself as that twinkle eyed silly girl,I've almost achieved nothing in the past 6 years,I haven't got my degree yet,I have no significant other,I don't have a family,being 26 and a Maldivian woman and not having any of those is almost unheard of.Sigh.I haven't got most of the things I thought I wanted and I believe I have been an alright person and mostly done what I thought was right. I am no saint by any means.My destination is still a speck at the end of the dusty road high up in the horizon, and its looking as though I might never reach it.

But I am not the person I used to be,I don't see my life in terms of that speck anymore,I'd almost gotten a kink in my neck staring at the speck.I am and I have become myself,the crystal ball melted away, the rose colored glasses turned transparent, the bubble blew out and the webs untangled and I realized that bed of roses do have thorns.

And now as me,I know I have achieved so much, I have learnt so much, I finally learnt to look at my surroundings, I stopped and watched daisies blossom and ants scurry around, drank from the creek and swam in the sea,I just set and stared at the sky watching the clouds play hocus-pocus and the shooting stars bolt around.I smiled,I cried, I took pictures I shook hands,I hugged, I got my heart broken I got it mended,I fell in love,I fell out of it.I saw the underbelly of life, I saw the garden of Eden ,yes I lived my life.

I still am a fool.

I still am a believer and a dreamer.

Yes that still hasn't changed.

Its just that I learnt to enjoy the journey as much as the destination. I realized its not always about the destination, Its about living, yes its about being yourself and just going on,hoping, believing after all no one said it was going to always be good or rhapsodic eh,neither did anyone say it was going to be full of pain or disappointment.

So the way I see it you either capture and revel in the raptus moment or be down rigth miserable and dwell in the darkest pit of despair.

The choice is yours.

Rhapsodic..

2007-03-03T07:01:00.000+06:00

Life sure can be beautiful. :)

I know I have an affinity towards irony and sarcasm,and mostly life's referred to as being a 'bitch' or 'unfair' in my posts.But today I am waiving all those with a flick of my wand I mean hand, momentously atleast.

Neither the chill in the wind nor the pitter patter of raindrops splashing mud on my jeans could ruin my mood today, nor will the unsightly load of debris taken out from the gutter or the madly honking vehicles or snickering passersby or the zillion of dog poo I have to side step be able to do it.

I am high up in my bubble,bouncing through the universe of ignorance, swimming in a bed of roses, looking through the rosy smoked glasses,and drinking the nectar of life from the clearest of the oasis and riding the tallest wave of semblance.

I twirl with my feet a couple of inches above the ground,(Yes! totally willing to be coaxed to admit that life's good indeed and has its moments.) for, I saw one of the most beautiful sites today, I saw this guy all showered and dressed sitting up in his bed with a content smile on his handsome face. I couldn't help it but smile back as his eyes lit up in recognition and it hit me who he was.The last I saw him he was in surgical ICU with tubes coming out from everywhere.He had two tubes in his chest,one in his tummy another coming out of his mouth.

I don't know how many of you read my post 'A prayer.. a tribute',but at the very end I'd mentioned about a 31yr old man who had oesophageal cancer which was incurable and all we could do for him was take the diseased potion out and join the healthy bits,which meant he could never take a meal through his mouth again,but which more importantly meant there was a chance he would live a bit longer,once he was out of the woods from complications he faced during the surgery.

Lo and behold there he was one month after the surgery ready to go home,I talked to him a bit and he was fine, feeding well through his jejunostomy site ( the tube connected to his stomach) and he couldn't wait to get back home.Back to his life to his family and start living again.I was really happy for him,sure he cant ever taste the juices squeezing out of a sour grape or the rubberiness of undercooked meat or the sticky pudding called rice ( damn! alert! beep! danger of falling off my bubble beep! beep!).But he was alive and he was all set to live again, he was a fighter, no make that he is a fighter and may god bless him and make the rest of his days good even if its high up on that tall wave.

So many of us feel dejected, disappointed and broken by life,but here was someone who, life tried to take out in the mightiest of the battles,victorious and brave with a conviction of a true comrade never willing to be beaten,always with a belief that he would survive and live again.I wish I had an ounce of his courage and pray that all of you get an ounce of it too.

For life can indeed be wonderful,when we chose to believe and when we try with the realization that oodles of things could go wrong but along the way so many things do go right as well. So buck up put on your seat belt and enjoy the bumps, the crashes the falls, the flying, the beautiful mountains the sunset and the star studded skies and the people right by your side and in the back of the car as you twirl and tumble along the roller coaster.

White crystals of frozen water!!

2007-02-14T21:36:00.000+06:00

Yes!Crystals pure, and as white as the caps on the clearest ocean,as fine as a crisp saturday morning, as delicate as a dandelion floating in a storm..

ahh who am I kidding! It was finger numbing,teeth chattering, adrenaline pumping white crystals of frozen water!!

Yes it snowed!! right here in Kathmandu, after 63yrs, a miracle indeed.I am so excited I'v still got this huge grin plastered on my face,and it snowed like 6 hours back.. :D

And just today I was talking about how I havent been able to see snow these past 6 yrs and how I wont be able to see it, as I wasnt meant to see it (coz winter's almost over and I dont have any more holidays left to go to where it snows..thats like 3 hours drive from Kathmandu) , and one of my friends was teasing me saying I was being totaly filmy and melodramatic. But as they say if Mohammed doesnt go to the mountain the mountain must come to him.. :) ( that wasnt smug at all.. just an expression really!)

Anyways I think i need to shut up before I blab too much..

Oh and prayers do get answered,just that all of them doesnt,but you should really learn to be happy with the ones that are answered me thinks..after all no one said life was going to be easy or difficult or even fair.

So just buck up,and brace your self for whatever life throws at you,be it hail, rain, snow, sunshine, dandelions or even a perfect day where you dont do a single thing to screw it up...

(P.S the snow took care of both the itches!!)

'scratch'.. I refuse to give in .. 'scratch'

2007-02-11T23:52:00.000+06:00

I've got one of those itches after eons,you know, the kind where however much you itch, it just keeps on itching.And theres absolutely nothing you can do about it.I've got two monster sized whorls on my hand.

Grrr.. along with that I cant seem to recall what I wanted to write. I had two or three things I wanted to talk about,but conveniently and coincidentally enough they seem to have decided to take flight.How perfectly perfect eh.

Now I have got two separate itches, the mental one and the physical one,both well coordinated and in beautiful harmony.I am blabbering aren't I?Just trying to recall here.

Ahh its of no use though,the mental stroll through my minds still the same, the same old pots of gold and platinum exist at the end of the rainbow,perhaps a shade lighter than my last visit.The star studded skies still very much alive,and floating clouds ..sigh Oh! the mossy damp corners still wet as ever and the dumpsters with flies buzzing around seems to provide a steady buzz,along with screams,sobs,sighs and laughs echoing through different crevices of the blob .The dark blind alleys with closed off doors boarded with no entry signs (yes, territories even I have not explored) still exist. And here I was thinking I have accomplished quite a bit of growth and self discovery,apparently I still have a lot of ghosts to fight and skeletons to bury and laundry to hang.

Looks like no amount of shovelling, hurling,insulting or straining is going to get rid of this itch.

I succumb to thee itch! :)

But just for the moment though itch,for this soul cannot be subdued!

Oh and if any of you folks have any tricks up your sleeve to beat the itch don't hesitate.

.

Little king..

2007-02-10T21:21:00.000+06:00

Through the depths of darkness on 4th february, at 1:02 am the still of the night was broken by a shrill cry.Little Kyan was born,so perfect,so precious and so much loved.( and I became a proud self-proclaimed aunt :) Yes!!!

A prayer...a tribute

2007-01-22T16:49:00.000+06:00

Her sunken eyes, and taught skin,the touch of her bony fingers as she patted my hand and wished me luck and said a prayer for me, seems to have found a permanent abode in my mind.I usually dont and try not to think about patients for too long,because you just cant let yourself get emotionally involved.Its just something that would eat away at your soul if you did,cause you see so much suffering , so much pain, so much 'injustice' happening everyday.

How can one ever gauge and understand the loss of a daughter/son, a mother/father , a wife/husband or a friend.How can one look into the eyes of someone dying of cancer and not feel a tad bit guilty and helpless, especially when the person is asking you whether they are going to be alright and they dont know that they are going to die.

Its the same with this lady, she is one of the nicest people I have met, and I have been with her for the past 16 days, from her diagnosis to her surgery and I have been seeing her everyday, doing her dressings and talking to her. She continously asks me whether she is going to be alright, she is just 47 and has untreatable stomach cancer with just 3 to 6 months to live and her family has decided not to tell her.

Every time she asks me the question about how her life is going to be I am at a loss for words, and I just cant look into her eyes when I tell her she is going to be fine and tell her its nothing and just a simple 'wound' in her stomach,which we have fixed. I dont know whether the family's decision is right or wrong, I guess its their right they say they want her to go away peacefully without any worries, just pass away with as less pain and sorrow as possible.

I have been having this debate with myself,on one hand i think its very unfair for the patient, as they are robbing her of her last chance to do things she has always wanted to do,perhaps ask someones forgiveness , to fullfill her last wishes so on and so forth. On the other hand, perhaps it is alright to keep her as happy as possible and let her just pass away surrounded by family and friends.

I was thinking that if it was me I would want to know.. but then again people are different, what would u want if it was you?

Sometimes I think she knows, cause even today she was telling me all sorts of nice things and wishing me luck and saying a prayer for me, while holding my hand. It breaks my heart when I see her, and i just feel so helpless and frustrated, and it just bothers me so much, these past days have been very tough for me seeing so many ill patients, patients who barely have a chance.

I pray for them,for their souls and pray that none of you or someone you know should ever have to suffer from something like that ever.

This post is dedicated to her, for having such a beautiful and pure soul and her family who has been so brave , who smiles and acts so happy doing everything they can to make her happy,while breaking deep inside and also another 31yr old man who is suffering from cancer and fighting for his life right now.

Closeted Souls

2007-01-16T23:25:00.000+06:00

I woke up to the chilling cold this morning,my room shrouded in darkness, with the sun still comfortably sleeping in the gray arms of the fog, too lazy to beam down.I peaked out from under my duvet, my nostrils smoking like that of a dragon only to realize it was just 6 am.I tried to nestle back into my hiatus, only to be rudely propelled out of bed by the urgency in my bladder.( grrr!)Its almost 2 pm now, and the suns up and about without a bit of remorse, as dazzling as ever,making this pool of water glint from one of my neighbours terrace.I looked around, there were freshly washed laundry playing see-saw on the lines, while people just lounged on chairs or stood around doing nothing and dogs curled up in the shade dozing off, enjoying a lazy Saturday morning.

I try to get lost and merge in to the solitariness,but I just can't, not today,not when I have so much on my mind.Its not about me as such or so much, and perhaps I am not even supposed to write about it, but this is something, a collective inference I've gathered from a lot of people I know.I think its a huge epidemic that's going around Male', one which is spreading as wildly and needs as much focus as Chikungunya and the likes of it. Perhaps even more attention than that, because the long term effects of this epidemic is more widespread, permanent and paralyzing.

Its the syndrome of the 'closeted souls',this is seen to be more prevalent amongst the adult population of Male',it has no conscience and no ones immune.Once it engulfs one in its venomous clutches, its a slow painful spiralling into the dark depths of life.Especially those who have been away for a while or those who have a monotonous life, where you do the same thing over and over again,hang out with the same people,have the same coffee ( crappy coffee if I may add, god knows when the filter was changed last) and have the same conversation with the same people over and over again are more prone to it.

The symptoms include, a dislike towards most things in your life,an unwillingness to go out and hang out and do the same crap over and over again,catching yourself trying to convince yourself that things could be worse,sleepless nights,and an unshakable sense of betrayal and a desire to just pack and leave to just go away and shut it all is quite strong.Besides these, falling prey and taking up dangerous habits,letting yourself rot away emotionally,physically, mentally and spiritually by abuse of various kinds are amongst the severest of the symptoms.

There is no specific cure as such, but from what I have gathered, there are certain tools we could use to beat this 'closeted soul' syndrome.These include expressing yourself in various ways, finding a way to vent,doing something that is so far removed from what you would normally do, like taking up a new sports,perhaps kick boxing,hanging out with different groups of people, diversifying your 'group' and maybe even being altruistic once in a while would help.( Its good to think about the rest of the world too,after all they do exist and the whole world doesn't revolve around you! )

Maybe its in the air,perhaps its the water,whatever it is,the 'closeted souls' syndrome is real, and you don't know when its gonna get you.So be prepared, think beyond yourself and be equipped and may you prevail.

Amen!

Out-U-Scum!

2006-11-25T08:15:00.000+06:00

The sun was out in its magnificence burning with all its glory,but the chilly wind got the better of the fiery ball, and I was left with my teeth chattering,and an occasional tug at my sleeves to cover the bits of me that was exposed.The terrace cafe' we chose didn't help matters as the chairs were made out of wrought iron and its coldness was cutting through my blubber,my butt was almost frozen brr,but the the snow capped mountains and the fusion of colours all around me and the aroma of meat getting barbecued and the conversation was enough to chase away the cold and get my blood pumping.

It was another of our men/relationships dissecting sessions,no no we aren't into cutting up real live men( I am guilty of dissecting corpses though,that was purely for educational purposes and no pleasure was involved whatsoever!).We drifted to the subject of most men (we meet ) being the same. I mean they seem to be wired and genetically engineered the same way,despite some's protest and efforts to be different.The claims of being unique,different and a world apart from the common throngs of men that inhabit Male' has all proved to be a mere fabrication till now.At first the projected image is the 'ideal' man,with flaws, quirks and differences that can be brushed away, compromised or just ignored, because we as women want to believe that a decent man is still possible.And also the belief that underneath it all there wont be a shit load of scum,and even if there is scum we want to believe we can scrape it off, bless our will for redemption.But alas! the scum refuses to budge and the more we scrape it the more it seems to adhere, almost with a certain vengeance.

I know this will raise a bit of protests and rebuking.But the truth of the matter is even these self proclaimed, evolved human beings, fail miserably when it comes to stepping up,most just talk the talk and almost never walk the walk.

Relax! I am not accusing the whole mankind of this nor am I saying its just men, merely stating my inference as a woman ( and more specifically as me!).

Having said that I still believe (and even know that) there are some decent men out there,who will deliver and take us to a state of orgasmic existence.. ( damn!I just over did it didn't I?) and my man is probably taking some woman to cosmic heights at this very minute. :)

Dum Spiro Spero

Sakura..

2006-11-07T17:34:00.000+06:00

The moon was up in all her glory last night, bathing us in her transcendence, poise and beauty, bringing a smile, a thought,a hint of melancholy or even an exclamation of joy to anyone who looked up. A longing to get lost but yet to find yourself, a wish to share the moment,but a conviction that you are alone, a desire to spread your wings and fly away, but a need to keep yourself grounded and shackled . ( Chaos! i know.. but such is the state of my mind :))

And thru the depths of the darkness and a hint of a beacon , and the bite of the cold wind I was likened to a cherry blossom , a sakura. A flower, thats loved and cherished by both japanese and chinese. For the chinese it is a very significant symbol of power, representing feminine beauty, sexuality with a hint of feminine dominance, as well as the symbol of love in the language of herbs.

Cherry blossom is a flower which is very delicate and blooms for a short period of time, and the japanese meaning stems from this, representing transience of life.This has a deep connection to the fundamental teachings of Buddhism that state all lifes suffering are transitory and the Japanese believe it is very noble not to get attached to a particular outcome or become too emotional because it will all pass in good time.( Time heals all eh !) Even fallen cherry blossoms have a meaning,representing both the beauty of snow as well as the life of a warrior whose life has ended early in battle.

Sakura's are also seen to posses natural beauty and grace.The word 'beauty' does not simply refer to the appareance of the flower but to the sense of dignity and strength contained within something so fragile and fleeting. And the word 'grace' refers to compassion, kindness, goodwill, elegance and in the case of a samurai to rectitude.

I had no idea a simple cherry blossom could mean so many things to so many people.I think its got a simply beautiful and profound meaning, nothing does last, not even the things we consider most important, including ourselves.Its all transitory , beautiful,graceful,strong yet brief, fragile and delicate just like the fine sakura.

It was an honour being likened to you Sakura. Thankyou.

Moksha.. मोक्ष,

2006-10-23T05:54:00.000+06:00

Over the last few days,I'v somehow developed a facination towards the buddhist/hindhu word "Moksha" or "Moksh" most simply meaning spiritual liberation or liberation from the worldly life inlcuding its sufferings, pain and limitations. The concept of actually being free of all those and attaining a state of moksh is something I find quite appealing . I dont mean in a religious sense, just as a means of survival and living.

I have seen so much suffering and pain as well as numbness, that it wrenches at my soul . Its hardest when you see that emptiness, the hollowness of a desperate and lost soul. You get robbed of the need as well as the right to feel.You become so accustomed to the repeated rape of your soul, in terms of hope, faith and a right to simply exist by being oblivious to it all as well. sigh!

The word moksh does embody it all, the concept of being free from it, but the question is whether it can be achieved or not? And even if it could be, most of us arent really willing to. We are too accustomed to being in that wretched corner to actually let go and try something different. The sense of familiarity offers too much comfort, coz in one sense its safe, as it cannot drain us more than it already has. And something new again comes infused with the potential of wearing us down and forever banning us to that vaccum of nothingness,to the subjugation of abuse, to the repeated torment, to the continous leeching of life.

Perhaps we do enjoy this constant barrage of torture, and have a subconcious need for it, for the guilt we feel towards all the injustices we'v done or maybe its just that we dont have the monsterous amount of discipline and will power to actually let it go. Whatever the reason maybe, for our diligent hold on to the shakles that bind us, I think we can let go, fly high and soar into oblivion. After all as humans, we do embody it all, the elixir is with in us, its a matter of harnessing it and letting it wash over our souls and purify our beings.

Oh! let us all hail Moksha! :)

ONLY IN KINGDOM OF SINGLEDOM..

2006-09-19T20:03:00.000+06:00

'This is an excerpt from the note book of a friend of mine, and it rings so true for me too and I identify with it a lot.. just thought I'd share it with you and see if any of it rings a bell.. feel free to comment if it does ( or even if ot doesnt :))'

What exactly is it with people that make them so indecisive? I’m not talking about whether you want the Kit Kat or the Mars bar here. When it comes to matters of the heart or intimate relationships as such I have come across some very indecisive and if one wants to judge, perhaps some very selfish and maybe unfaithful people. A “friend” of mine has had some very or let say she’s always been unfortunate enough to be stuck in the middle and has often ended up as the ‘other woman’ involved knowingly or unknowingly and never won! Its not because she always fancies what she doesn’t have or she feels that the grass is greener on the other side, she’s just another single girl just like any of us (yes I’m SO single don’t I know it) and found genuine chemistry in someone, who happens to have the same feelings for her but yet is bound by another relationship that he cannot have the guts to let go.

It’s always very complex for the party who’s already involved in the relationship. According to them it’s not as easy to let it finish and start a fresh with the new found interest. Even though they might get on better with, can pour their hearts out and share lifelong dreams and calls up on a daily basis. The emotional connection and the connection of energies and vibes do not seem to matter. They just cannot end the stuck in a rut relationship. It’s rather sad and heartbreaking for the party who’s truly lonely and longing for some commitment. But hang on and just wait in there for just a sec. Common sense tells us here that the poor lonely one has been had. Been taken for the proverbial ride, perhaps even in the very literal sense of the word. If the chemistry and the connection between two souls are so great then nothing surely should come in the way of them getting together. Earth, wind and fire. (and that…) The one who’s already in a relationship should have the strength to end what’s not and begin what is. It just is weak to choose the choice of suffering whilst being dishonest to other parties involved. Or is it, that they just want it all and all at once as well?

There’s also my ‘friend’ who meets a lot of people, so keen to be with her. Finds her, her soul, so beautiful, in fact I’ll refer to her as ‘my beautiful friend’. In this working environment a lot happens in the intimacy department, and the correspondence with commitment office never happens! OK, don’t call her a slut just yet, she’s tried, god bless her, she has, and when the intimacy department shuts, there are usually two type of reactions. Ones who fuck off straight away, and then ones who seems to go down the right path, promise the world and hope and pray that I.D opens, and if it doesn’t then fuck off. And the funniest thing in common with almost all of them is they never seem to phone her up at a decent hour. (“I’m a night person…”, or “I’m really busy during the day this is the only free time I have..” blah blah blah) Almost a 100% of them ring up asking to come round and they always happen to be round her way on any unearthly hour. Commitment, relationship, decent conversation, are non-existent words in their dictionaries but she cannot deny the excitement. My ‘beautiful friend’ also meets a lot of people who are interested, but never seems to make the move or just is very slow in moving things along. Perhaps they still haven’t made their minds up about her. Whilst she’s still left on the lurch, or tries ever so hard to keep the happy face while she’s on the field. Don’t Get me wrong here again, ‘my beautiful friend’ she does get good offers , the right kind of offers , commitment, stability, lets go down the path see what happens…IM REALLY BORING, NINE TO FIVE, BUT I FANCY THE FUCK OUT OF YOU type offers. What’s a girl got to do ey? Maybe fate is serving her what she deserves since she is so fussy, choosy and ever so indecisive.
Maybe all my single friends and I have been very unlucky and been served a dab hand at this game called lets find a life partner, or soul mate. But I sure can tell you that it certainly hasn’t been all dull and lifeless. It’s very exciting and heart racing at the best of times and always learnt a lot about people and human nature. I have faith that everyone will always find what their looking for. I feel that in different stages of life you meet people who are meant for that specific experience of time and it couldn’t have been any better with anyone else. If you find the one person that can accompany you along in the journey then you have truly found a rare gem that has to be treasured.

I have talked about my friends. Well, I can only tell you experiences I’ve shared and known through my acquaintances. Let me tell you about a friend who’s been living with her boyfriend for 7 years. She loves him and believes that she cannot face life without him. Every time she goes out though she’s not hesitant to flirt or divert any attention she may get. And she’s even gotten involved in minor flings that she’s gotten away with, without getting caught. She’s remorseful, guilty, since she is in what you may consider a very stable and good relationship. Some may criticize because she made the mistake to get settled so young. She was 19 when she met him. But When I asked her one day what on earth did she think she was doing, she looked at me and replied “the pure and simple truth there my pretty is… that, I just want to have my cake and eat it too.” Sigh!

'oh yes the syndrome.. of having the cake and eating it too.. '

My favourtie shibboleth..

2006-07-22T08:20:00.000+06:00

"Dum spiro spero" meaning while I breathe I hope ..

Its just a latin proverb, which has come to mean so much to me.

I started using it as a personal message in my msn to help me get thru exams,the dreaded finals. Endless nights of staying up and having panic attacks, running to the bathroom a couple of times to vomit just before exams, cursing the crap out of what I am supposed to study..the palpitations... Oh Yes! that was the time...

During this time I needed to uplift my mood.. I'v never believed that words/phrases could actually have much effect on a persons outlook as well as emotions in situations like this, but I was proved wrong.

I started believing in it, it became my shibboleth, something I could say to myself to make myself feel good and it gave me strenght to hope. To hope as long as I live, cause hope is a beautiful thing, its one of those things that keeps you going.I would go as far as to say its the fuel of life, atleast for me.

Once again a time has come for me where I need to believe. A time where I need to embody the phrase.. and I am hoping it would do the trick.. I am pretty scared though.. But hope should keep me afloat as long as i breathe... :)

Dum spiro spero

A year and a day older..

2006-07-16T05:08:00.000+06:00

I'v been a blogger for a year and one day! Time does pass by quickly..

Its me bloggy birthday!! ( well not exactly.. but better late then never eh!)

Hmm I reckon I need to say something about my blog, well its been a pretty well behaved blog, seen me thru thick and thin, stuck with me thru the hardest time of my life..

Thankyou for everything.. and I am sorry about the times I neglect you..I cant promise it wont happen,but I will try not to do it! :)

just another day...

2006-06-29T08:14:00.000+06:00

Dirty muddy roads
Wet soiled jeans
Smelly damp taxi seats
Bad colds and achoos!

Warm cozy mornings
Kaledioscope of umbrellas
Pitter patter rain drops
A 'sigh!' of complete bliss..

The season of surprises
With a bundle from a stoke
A song from a nightingale
And a whisper from a crow..

Life is good indeed!

uncertain times...

2006-05-17T14:50:00.000+06:00

Seems like an eternity has passed since my last post... My life turned topsy turvy for a while and indeed an eternity has passed... I think now I am at a point where I can write about what I went through without feeling too emotional and in the same breath be more objective about it...

The protests started off like any other, the numerous endless protests have become part of our lives here, it would be odd for a whole month or two to pass without a strike or some sort of scuffle... and the absence of army or police patrolling the streets would indeed mean something has gone awry..

It was supposed to be a 4 day strike somewhere in the first week of April to reinstate democracy... but then things started to move at full momentum... the strikes turned into a full fledged revolution, slowly the whole country united against the monarchy...and it seemed as though

Nepal

wouldn’t remain a kingdom for long..

It was a brutal time, the four day strike stretched on, it was as though some sort of imminent force had settled upon the nation, the whole country was waking up ... after more than a decade of struggling the country was once more coming together in an unanimous effort to reinstate what was rightfully theirs...

I spent most of my time up on the terrace or was glued to the TV and the internet watching the developments... It was unreal... but the fact we could hear the mass and see the burning tires and feel the tear gas stinging our eyes made the 'war' more real.. (I have a few shots from our terrace.. which we managed to sneak off before we were warned with a gun not to take any more pictures! gulp! )

Things escalated, our mobiles were cut off... and during one day of protests the electricity main box was burnt... which left us in complete darkness, and by then the six of us who lived in our place was plunged into despair, we were scared and alone, we did not have immunity as students or foreigners coz both the groups were heavily involved in the protests...

By this time there were curfews everyday and we had only a couple of hours to go wherever we wanted to. It was a scary time but I don’t think we, ourselves realized the full gravity of the situation until, some of Maldivians here called us, worried and concerned about our wellbeing and suggested that we move in with them for a while...

The next morning, 11^th of April, at the crack of dawn we put a few things in our back packs and the six of us headed out from our place... we walked for half an hour or so through back alleys and reached areas which were safer... It was a strange walk, I had a lot going through my head... you know like those flashbacks you see in the movies... you see your whole life pass by and u get all sorts of weird thoughts...It was physically as well as emotionally draining... I was at a place where I never thought I would be, going through something I never imagined I would...

Shades of Grey...

2006-04-08T08:06:00.000+06:00

Its a crisp saturday morning, I know I should wake up.. I am having an argument in my head about catching another 5 minutes sleep.. ( we all now what that 5 minutes is gonna turn into ! ;)) all of a sudden I feel something cold.. rather my legs do... which propels me to open my half asleep eyes.. only to realize that my quilts just slipped off my legs... which in turn leads to a bit of kicking and manoeuvering.. only to realize that I am fully awake now... ( so much for that 5 minutes!)..

I scramble around for my glasses and realize I'v left it a tad bit further for me to reach..just as well.. I try to peer at the wall clock and see what time it is..my vision all bleary.. as my mind drifts..

For the younger half of my life, I had tunnel vision, something had to be either black or white... there was no inbetween.. but as I spent more and more time on this earth I began to realize there rarely was a thing such as 'black' or 'white' .. it never was that clear cut. Infact what was real were the 'shades of grey' that exist.....

We are always searching for answers,definitive ones.. which really doesnt exist, for the truth or the lie, for the wrong or the right..for that no or yes... which doesnt come..Most of us feel let down when this happens.. but I think we should embrace it.. for the shades are quite glorious in its own right...

Even I am one of those shades.. I am not black or white, neither are my emotions, nor is the color of my soul.. I am just one of those shades.. perhaps I am many shades fused into one.. I am not sure.. but what I am sure of is that I am neither black nor white :) ..(which seems to be working out just fine for me!)

A lull..a wisdom tooth.. and a bit of wondering...

2006-03-14T13:15:00.000+06:00

I guess I am more back than blogging.. I'm still shrouded in the home blues..I dont feel like doing anything much, though I seem to have plenty of time at hand.. I guess I function better when I am busy.. coz i found plenty of time to blog during my exams... (miracle of miracles!!)

I'v got nothing much to say though.. well I'v got something on my mind.. but i cant seem to grasp it.. its like all is muddled up inside.. u know.. and how ever much i try to reach for it.. it refuses to just come within my grips..

I just asked one of my friends what i should write about and he goes wisdom teeth ( well he had one of his wisdom tooth removed.. and its hurting like hell! understandably he has nothing else on his mind right now :)) .... I dont think i am the best person to write about it since two of my wisdom teeth are still no where near erupting..and I havent got any of my wisdom teeth extracted either..sigh.. ( guess it rules out me writing about any of those experiences!)

Anyways i used to wonder about my umm 'wiseness' coz my wisdom teeth erupted quite late.. while some of my friends had them erupt real early.. Do u think theres any connection between how wise u would be and the time they erupted ? ( thats if they erupt at all! )

I guess me wondering about the connection kinda gives u the answer as well.. ;)

Oh well..

Back n Blogging!

2006-02-25T21:42:00.000+06:00

I'm back again.. and hopefully back to blogging as well... I wont go into a long winded account of whats wrong with home.. i think we'v heard enough of that..

But there are somethings i discovered or noticed this time.. and i think they are definitely worth mentioning..

One is the total disregard of some men towards keeping their word.. I'v come to the conclusion that the word of (some) maldivian men arent worth much.. be it regarding a promise to call , or go out... or do something else..

Another is upon meeting an old acquaintance.. the exchange of pleasentries and a promise to meet up later and hang around.. without so much as exchanging numbers.. I wonder how they are gonna fix these get togethers.. ( perhaps thru another chance meeting eh.. or maybe they'v got secret transmitter thingies)

Thats all i can think of now...my minds still a bit hazy..

home sweet home...

2006-02-06T12:30:00.000+06:00

First and foremost let me apologize for the lack of posts.. you see i am home.. and when u are home.. u tend to deviate a lot of from the projected 'norms' of your usual life.. and I am guilty of the same.. Its good to be home...

Male' is pretty much the same, except for new shops, and loads of cafe's.. and all the places look good.. i havent been to a lot of places thouhg .. going cafe' hopping is pretty expensive!! and the other change is the occasional riots.. thats definitely new with fights breaking up and stories about robberies.. makes one scared to walk along the roads... oh well!

But there is no place like home ..

..ramblings..

2006-01-13T15:32:00.000+06:00

Its been a gruelling week, just a few steps away now... I can almost smell the ocean.. taste the saltiness .. feel the cool breeze .. and hear the palms swaying...*sigh* a few more days... and all that would be a reality.. ( but just for a couple of weeks :( )

Lifes strange..I'v been away for five years.. when I came here , I was just out of my teens, a naive wandering soul, I was trying to figure out life.. most of all I was trying to figure out who this person was, who this 'me' is. I knew who I was, but i had a tough time, getting to know the real 'me' the one inside me.. the one who did things I didnt like, or acted in ways i couldnt understand.. the one who constantly.. made me pull my hair! grrrr! I have this love hate relationship with myself... rather I used to.

I think I am more accepting of myself now, I'v learnt to just be myself, and not to bother too much about what others think, and in doing that I think I'v lived more, I'v let go of a lot of insecurities too, though they do haunt me from time to time.. but i guess we all have to live with the ghosts from our past, come to think of it, it might not be such a bad thing after all. Perhaps it is just what we need to keep ourselves in check. But thats only gonna work if we are able to use it positively and not succumb into the never ending self berating ...

I still dont think I am any closer to figuring out myself...and i guess thats how it needs to be too, if i were able to figure out myself as well as life, I guess there is no point in living further, since there would be no challenge, no joy, no surprises..Life would become dull and routine.. and I would be as clear and transparent as a peice of glass.. that too all smooth and nice with no rough edges..!! ( that wud be totally tragic dont u think!)

The lost post..

2006-01-09T05:27:00.000+06:00

This is a rendition of me..David ho style.. in dedication to my love of dark art by faisal .. ( the one with the link on the side ) ...during exam time.. Its called the anxiolytic.. Now dont get too scared... i dont bite! :)

blotchy nose, scartchy throat..day dreams..sunshine.. butterflies...!#$ :)

2006-01-07T12:08:00.000+06:00

I did write up one post yesterday.. which unfortunately got lost amongst cyber space when electricity abandoned me :(.. i am wondering whether i should repeat the exact same thing.. or perhaps it was some sort of sign for me to not to post what i wrote..whatver the case maybe it wasnt anything special..

Anyways..moving on .. i am kinda stuck in a rut these days .. i have a really bad cold, my nose is blocked, my throat aches, i can barely breath and on top of it I'v had to postpone going home one more day unnecessarily as it turns out!!! GRRR #$@%!!! ( always thought itwas cool how they swore with those characters in the asterix and obelix comics! :D)

But on a more happier note i have less than a week to finish exams and head home!! yes!! I am totally and completely excited about it, which is not too good since it kinda affects my level of concentration.. coz inbetween I start day dreaming.. oh well.. But then again i am going home after a record 15 months!!! So dont mind my overtly zelous.. outbursts and abundant use of exclamation marks and happy faces!!!! :D..

Happy new yearr! ... a little bit late..

2006-01-03T22:44:00.000+06:00

Yes i am a little bit late... new years eve has come and gone.and everyone has wished who ever they wanted to wish as well... but.. i just got some time to breath and go out today, been flogged down with exams.. for the past 3 days... continously... i was studying on new years eve as well !!# so do pardon my belated wishes :)...

I got the rare opportunity to spend the whole night with my books.....

...was a totaly new experience... spending new years eve with em..and u know last year i was in a remote village with some friends..celebrating new year by candle.. light.. Oh well such is life eh.. U never know what or where u are going to be the next day.. let alone the next year....

Dont berate yourself about whats gone.. and whats been done..or what you missed... :)

Just have a good moment.. a good day.. and a good year..!

too young? too tall? too everything?!!

2005-12-28T13:08:00.000+06:00

I'm at a point in my life where most men i meet, and who i get along with seems to be younger than me.. guess that might say something about my maturity level.. and thats not an insult to any of my friends btw..

A few of these guys seem to not mind at all.. while most of them feel that despite the obvious 'attraction' or whatever .. the age difference will have a negative impact on the 'relationship'..and some of them feel that it would hurt their ego a lot to date an older woman !!!$# :) ( then again it might just be a way for them to put me down gently!! bless their souls!! hmpshs!

I'v never been someone who thought a person was about their chronological age... infact i am someone who believes, its got more to do with how old yur 'soul' is..how mature your ideas are..as well as about your values and beliefs..its never been about a number to me.. but i am realizing that.. i might be among a few who sees it that way..

Even some of my female friends say that they would never date someone younger.. apparently it just doesnt seem 'right' and people are going to point fingers.. i guess they'v got a point there.. the society does.. discourage us from diverting towards anything thats not the norm..and its not only about the age.. its about height.. education. and various other stuff as well..

But do u think its fair to ourselves to let someone go just because they dont fit into our preconceived image of our significant other??... (which usualy stems from what is considerd 'normal' and 'right'.. with no other basis except that its how its alwys been!!) even though they make you feel good and wonderful and is all u could wish for except that one little bit..... which u wanna change..

anyways.. how young is too young? how short/tall is too short/tall ???

Happy 80th birthday Pooh!

2005-12-24T17:39:00.000+06:00

Pooh's turning 80 today.. on christmas eve... amazing eh.. I'v always loved Pooh.. found him adorable ( i still wear a couple of Pooh tee's and some ppl think i should have outgrown Pooh long ago!! oh wel)

The chubby.. a little bit clumsy soul.. who ends up making a mess out of most things... though he always has the best intentions at heart.. and who is all about friends... is one of the most special cartoon characters I'v known.. ( perhaps its because some things about Pooh reminds me of myself eh... )

Anywyas.. i just wanted to dedicate one post and the whole day to Pooh! so heres to Pooh.. and his sweet soul ! friendship! friends! tigger, eyore, piglet , christopher robin, clumsiness! honey! chubbiness and more :D

.

Unveiling Mona lisa's expression..

2005-12-19T10:22:00.001+06:00

I was browsing through CNNs.. website when i stumbled on to a very interesting article about the painting Mona Lisa by Da Vinci....I'm sure a lot of you would be aware of the mystery that shrouds the famous painting , especially why it is so famous.. the different theories about the unfathomable expression and all and those of you who have read Da Vincis code by Dan Brown would be equally curious about it as well....

Anyways they'v decoded the expression by applying a computer emotion recognition software which measures a person's mood by examining certain features such as the curve of the lips and the crinkles around the eyes..

But before we go on to the results what do u guys think?? any theories about the expression? any ground breaking discoveries..

THINK!...think!

Without further ado..let me present what they came up with...

Mona Lisa is apparently..... ( hold your breath) tada!

83 percent happy
9 percent disgusted,
6 percent fearful,
2 percent angry

(according to the British weekly "New Scientist)

Interesting eh..so did any of you come close? let me know..

But I guess we'd never really know...the truth.. nor what made her feel whatever she was feeling..

(http://edition.cnn.com/2005/TECH/12/16/mona.lisa.smile/index.html)

Truths of the universe revealed.. :)

2005-12-14T09:13:00.000+06:00

I guess I'v been doing a lot of whining these days, most of my friends must be fed up with me going endlessly about how brutually hard and how long these exams are ...I'v even told people not to ask me how i am coz they are bound to get a long whinded depressing account of how my life is right now..and its going to be the same thing over and over again.. sorry everyone....but i guess we all need to do a bit of grumbling once in a while... keeps us in check...

Reading through some comments on my post.. got me thinking about what keeps me up and about and moving forward.. I guess its the three things i believe in most..

Brace yourself people! i am going to reveal the most important three things in the universe for survival !! hehe

First and foremost..I have a 'whole lot of faith'...which keeps me in the right path, it makes sure i dont sway or go askew.. its always help me to stay focused and to believe that I can accomplish whatever I am trying to do..and i think thats very important in life...I'v found out that it is . what that helps me find myself whenever I am lost .. its my resurrection..

The next thing is 'a little bit of hope'.. we all need that bit of hope, to keep us afloat.. its the light at the end of the tunnel... its whats going to drive us towards our destination.. as long as u have hope u know u are going to be fine...the minute you loose it u are on your way down a bottomless pit... surrounded by darkness.. despair and loss..So we gotta keep that flame burning...so we can arise from the mists and the rubble of failure.. of hopelessnes.. and redeem our selves....

And lastly its.. 'no regrets'.. regrets are the down fall of a lot of us, its one thing that can chain us and hold us down..relentlessly.. if we keep on regeretting there is no way any of us is goign to get ahead..coz we are going to be bound to our past and its not going to let us..be free.. and in order for us to attain happiness and peace of mind we need to be free.. and we need to forgive ourselves and free ourselves from the guilt trap so we'd be ready to embrace whats right infront of us rather than...keep wandering about what could have been...and wallowing in self pity..

well thats it!... just a whole lot of faith.. a little bit of hope.. and no regrets and u are prepped and eqquiped to conqure the world.. ( lets not get carried away.here.....but atleas it will help u hobble thru life with a smile!)

mother..no make that grandmother of procrastination..

2005-11-23T09:34:00.000+06:00

Procrastination is one of the things i do best (if not the only thing i do best)...if u need any pointers/advice on how to do it you know where to come.. i'v got a whole life worth of ways u can do it..

I am trying to analyze why i do it.. and i simply dont know.. couldnt come up with a plausible enough reason.. perhaps its my laziness? my short attention span.. or maybe my fear of facing life fully.. so i take the easy way out.. and simply not deal with it.. i dont know.. whatever it is... its not good enough to let myself rot away this way..

hmm... i mean if u know the consequences of your actions arent you supposed to be more weary of what you do..more focused on what should be done, i fully realize these consequences.. and i wonder why the understanding never comes..

We study about this thing called Knowledge, Attitude, Practice..about how essential all three are for you to really do anything.. i guess i have the knowledge.. and attitude too (mostly )... but when the bit about practice comes .. i shy away .. i suppose something fundamental must be wrong with me...( now thats a whole different post.. and let us not go there..)

Stop.. and take a moment....

2005-11-13T13:45:00.000+06:00

Life has been kind to me through out the years, I'v had my ups and downs.. i guess thats what living is all about.. and through out all that I'v met several people, each and everyone of them have played some sort of role in my life...however briefly I'v known them...and this is dedicated to each and everyone of them.. some of them who are still in my life.. some who'v moved on.. whatever the case maybe.. i wanted to let everyone know how glad and blessed i'v been to have met them...and known them.... as well to thank them and let them know I appreciate what they'v done for me.. or what I'v learnt from them.

Life can be harsh, you loose everything in an instant, and after sometime you realize you have a lot left unsaid, a lot left undone..We get caught up in the rat race, forget about the values the people.. there always seem to be something more important to do, we often fail to tell people how we feel about them or let them know we care..and once something happens.. we'd be lost and plagued with misgivings..

So i just want to stop for a moment and thank everyone , and let them know i care and though i might not say it often enough i'm gald to have had them or have them in my life... coz thats what life is made of people.. in different forms.. different times.. different ways.. the blessings of life..

So everyone.. just take a minute and let people know .. coz who knows whats in store for us tomorrow.. and we might regret if we dont do it right now..

scratch ..scratch..like an itch u cant get rid of..

2005-10-15T10:36:00.000+06:00

Ever had that nagging little something at the back of your head... you know something is there but u just cant get to it.. when u just want to remember a certain song.... a certain name.. a certain face.. its there in the back of your mind shrouded in the mists ..

lost somewhere among those rainbows and pots of gold.. or perhaps somewhere in the damp corner with the moss growing on it..or perhaps even in a blind ending pitch black alley.. or near the dumpsters with the flies buzzing around it...or maybe behind one of those doors with the no entry sign....

oops.. sorry.. i was just leading u thru my mind i think we'v seen quiet enough so lets just halt there!

grrrr.... its gonna bug me whole day till i figure it out.....its just like an itch I cant scratch enough!

Proof of existence!

2005-10-12T07:02:00.000+06:00

I know i know I only seem to talk about bees..
but wouldnt u if u saw them everyday several times..
besides some ppl seem to think they are a figment of my imagination..so i thougth i'd get some proof of their existence..

as well as my attempts at keeping em out!
Its amazing what all double tape can do.. :) .

This blogs not dead !

2005-09-17T09:54:00.000+06:00

Its been ages since my last post.. (no i did not get stung by bees.. not that any of you cared!).. i'v just been a bit lost and wandering about.. without a clue as what to blog ..and everytime i had the urge to blog my connection wont let me.. or the power would go off.. or i'd simply be occupied in really fruitful activities like day dreaming..

* smiles a dreamy smile

ahem.. focus focus focus..

Thats one thing i have trouble with, as u can see my attention span barely reaches the tip of my nose..

Anyways ...focusing on what i am trying to say ,(not that I'v got anything particular to say)..I dont know what i really want to blog actually.. I didnt set out to write about whats going on in my life .. nor dish out pretty little poems and lenghty prose which would put everyone to sleep... so i am kinda stuck..

I dont want people to think this blogs dead.. coz its not! So here i am blabbering on..

anyone got any suggestions besides telling me to shut up and put my blog away??

How do I get rid of bees? hot water? gasoline? beer?? buzz! buzz!

2005-08-05T19:15:00.000+06:00

Yesterday I had this really bone chilling, hair rising experience.. there was this huge swarm of ... guess what??

no.. no.. ..........it was bees, dozens and dozens of them... under my windowsill... and they already have a hive as well..actually 2 hives!! . ( i have no idea how it got there or when they built it ..!!) I shudder even now when i think about it ( and the bees are still buzzing near my window by the way!!!! ughss!@!.. )

I just got home and i'v been 'googling' to find the best way to get rid of em.. and u know there are lot of interesting ways to get rid of them apparently....

-- people have suggested from hitting them with a baseball bat
-- getting the exterminators and spraying them
-- you putting on thick clothes with gloves and all and just hosing them down or spraying them
with some anti-bee spray ( which i dont think i could do... i am having goosebumps even
thinking about it... )
-- u could put gasoline and burn em too!
-- pour hot water with detergent! ( this sounds like something i could try)
-- and luring them to beer cups and getting them drunk!! apparently the bees guarding the
nest will prevent the drunk ones from entering the hive by biting their legs and
wings off and this prevents, sick or infected members of the hive from spreading anything
that could wipe them out! Impressive eh...

Let me know if any of u know an effective way to get rid of em..

And if any of u have a bee problem i think this could be useful. .. i will try one of these and let u know what happens..

Or perhaps i should first check with the animal rights and the bee activists first eh?

Anyways.. if i dont post for a while .. pray for me!!

Harry Potter and the half blood prince

2005-08-03T13:34:00.000+06:00

Its been quite a while since the book came out and i read it as well, but I'v been just too damn depressed to write or talk about it even. ( besides the fact that i am feeling totally guilty for having read it as my exams are just knocking on my window.. gulp!!! gulp!).

If any of you are harry potter fans, u must have read it by now.. and i think some of you might even be able to identify with my sentiments.. i'v been wanting to talk about it.. but theres not much to say coz theres just one more book left and thats it!! I dont have the will to critize it or even rave and rant about it! Sighs...

And if some of you think u are too grown up for harry potter then theres something seriously wrong with you! And please dont try to portray people who actually read harry potter as being mad with psychological issues and all that crap. So before u pass on any judgement give it a go.. but not with the 6th book.., start from the 1st book.. you might be able to salvage a bit of your childhood even now!

It is a truly wonderful experience.. but if you'v watched the movies you'v kinda spoilt it for yourself as the best bit is when u can dream and imagine it all up.. u know flying brooms , quidditch.. the enchanted ceiling with sky ..floo powder.. the burrow.. and even uncle vernon .......

* stares into the space with vacant eyes lost ...

Alchemist .. rather a bit about its prologue

2005-07-31T14:01:00.000+06:00

If any of u have read Alchemist (by Paulo Coelho) and missed its prologue that would be a total injustice.. coz thats what got me hooked onto the book.. and onto the author as well...

I happend to pick up a book lyin on the table one hot afternoon 6 yrs ago ( yes really!) in the ECG room in our local hospital in Maldives, i was free and had nothing much to do.. i read the first page and i was hooked and booked to the author... which I still am, inspite of the recent books not quite being in the same league as Alchemist.. (but then again i am no critic or a great writer..)

But u know i still am left looking for a book like it. Coz it touched me and opened my horizons in a way nothing had ever done before.. Its a truly wonderful book... i dont know there is something really 'soul probing' about it..

anyway without much blabber.. i will put in a link u can use to read the prologue..a story about Narcissus and if any of u do... please let me know what you think...

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/PauloCoelho.html

Darkness .. a poem if u will

2005-07-23T20:52:00.000+06:00

Darkness cloaks around my heart
Spreading its wings with in my soul
Sending its venom through my veins
Suffocating me with its fumes

Tears trickle down, dark drops of hurt
Burning me through and throughI long for release
A place where no one can reach me
No! Not a single soul

A deep slumber where I close my eyes
A place where I am all alone
But alas it brings me no solace
For there is only darkness in me and my dreams
Just a black hole, a dark pit, an empty space.

Crammed Soul

2005-07-23T20:43:00.000+06:00

I sit staring at the computer screen, bathed in its white glow, different thoughts fleeting though my mind, not having really latched on to any one in particular. My half-hearted attention on the conversation I am havingonline, I’m pressed by the need to impress the articulate faceless nick on the other side, as well as pulled by the need to be indifferent, to protect myself against any of the ‘things’ that I might feel. I know it sounds kind of absurd for me to even contemplate that I might start feeling ‘things’ for these faceless nicknames, but when one is desperate, he or she tends to be haunted by a myriad of possibilities, opportunities, or whatever you want to call them.

It's funny what life makes us go through. How it taunts and troubles us, and in the same breath makes our eyes sparkle and lips part, and then carry us off into the darkest depths of the nights, make promises of days filled withsunshine and daisies but then drags us to places where no one ventures -- the crevices of the stones, the cracks in the walls, the dampness of a grey day, the smell of rotting leaves. It makes me want to crawl back and never venture out of the warm security of ignorance, of hope, of indifference. Of carrying on as though nothing matters, as though I am happy. I dare not hope for more, not even at the stillest of the hours when I am all alone. I dare not voice my thoughts nor let hope surface in fear that it might make me do more, make me face it, make me go through yet another failure, another lost cause, another chance to live and not merely exist.

I log off from the Net wishing I could log off from life, well perhaps not life, maybe just that particular moment, just as easily, and shut out all the worries that seem to have found permanent residence in my mind, tainting even those happy moments that I cherish so much. Put an end to all the cacophony or perhaps change it just as radically with a simple click or maybe even a double click, after all it's the same, nothing changes, it's the same day in and day out, a ghost of an existence, stuck between two worlds, two bodies and two souls. The one you want to be (that you would never dare to be) and the one you are. I raise the volume of my speaker and stare at the psychedelic images flicking merrily on my Winamp screen, hoping that it might quieten the racket in my head, maybe at least for a while, and it does! My mind slowly shifts to the song and I start to sing along, mustering up all the emotions stemmed within me, trying to pour it all out onto thesong, and I smile, for another day has just passed, and I am still in the game, a game called life.

Art

2005-07-22T00:07:00.000+06:00

Art.. one of age old ways of expressing ourselves, no matter what language we speak or where we come from art never fails us . From symbols to elobrate pieces its managed to reach out to humanity.. and touched us in many ways..

By now u must have figured out that i have a thing for the deviant or dark art as some may call it.. but simply putting it I just love art.. it speaks to you in so many ways dont u think? i think its something which can touch us just as a song or a good story does..

The first peice is by Thomasz Tirex Rybak and the other two are by David Ho.. and this one by Jason beam.. all of them are simply brilliant as far as i am concerned.. and i think they display emotions very well.. and theres so much more if u just dare to look beyond whats on the surface. Arts present everywhere, take a breath, take a moment and just look around you.. its within ourselves too.. we just need to explore.......to let our minds wonder.. and as they say skies the limit.

Dead reality

2005-07-15T19:56:00.000+06:00

Lying on the cold metal table, I feel a chill go through my spine. There seems to be a permanent coldness in the dissection hall made worse by thestink of formalin. It never escapes me; I seem to be drenched in the smell of the dead, suspended some where between life and death.

The worst part comes during afternoons when I am taken out by the callow students to stare and cut me open. They stare at me with vacant glassy eyes. I see no feelings in them. I send out a silent plea: hey I am supposedto be the one who is dead and devoid of feelings, not you guys. But to no avail, they seem not to hear anything.

Their scalpels deftly slice through my skin, exposing me inch by inch. They smile they laugh, I am just likea dummy to them, well, I guess I would be, after all,I am dead. But I wonder if it ever occurs that I was once like them. I had feelings, dreams, and hopes.There were people who loved me, someone had held the hand they have cut with such precision, those feet hadroamed around Katmandu, and those eyes had seen somuch. I never ceased to get over my wonder of the beauty of this world.

But with death, everything comes to a halt. You are no longer one of them. You become alien. You no longerare entitled to the same privileges. They probe, poke even slap or drill holes on you. They peel you off layer-by-layer, going to the core of you, not leaving even a single iota of you unexposed, the only thing they seem to miss out are your feelings.

My heart cries out (that too, would be in someone's cold hands pretty soon!) how cruel is all this. The injustice of me having to lie here, its not the fact that I am here that bothers me, just that I am beingsliced up by a group of people who seems to be more dead than me. They seem to have left their feelings atthe entrance of the dissection hall. (So much for myhopes of witnessing blooming romances!!) I wish Icould let go of my stupid feelings and be like them,but I can't seem to. Sometimes I want to shake them and bring them to reality (well my kind of reality atleast, I guess you can call it dead reality), show them that I too had feelings once upon a time.

Bottomless pits of wants

2005-07-15T13:49:00.000+06:00

Silent and dark, in the dead of the night I peer out at the sky, dotted with millions of stars, imagining that someone is gazing back at me. I yearn to go out and lie on the grass, with their blades caressing me, like thousands of fingers, the cool night air enveloping me, stinging my face with its coldness, prickling my body, its smell taking over me intoxicating me, leaving me yearning for more and more. My parched lips cracked and open for a single drop of dew, as though it will quench my thirst for eternity, a thirst so great and consuming that I feel sometimes as though I am drowning in it.

The whole world silhouetted against the night sky, soft halos surround them, lacking details and definitions, a time when true beauty really shines, with the sharp edges, the soft contours, the smell, the warmth, and emotions that vibrate in the dead of night, beauty at its purest and most primitive form. I see the world as I’d never seen it before, touching me at the very core, but that somehow doesn’t seem enough. I’ve got a yearning, a yearning for something more. It creeps up on me, even at the moments at which I am most at peace with myself. I try to coax myself, to delude it, to make myself believe that this is as good as it gets.

But there’s always a ‘but’, or an ‘if about what I could and would do, an insatiable desire to have more than I get, to do more than I could. First it was about a toy, then friendships, then about love, about a career, about money, something or other was always there, something I wanted and when I got that it somehow was never enough; the grass on the other side truly seemed greener and more lush, the trees in that pasture seemed to grow with fruits much more bigger and juicier than on mine. Even the shadows looked bigger and intense. Someone else always seemed happier than me, more content; they seemed to know the secrets of love and life and I was left wanting that, changing from one thing to the other, searching, wanting, my mind always in turmoil, my soul in tatters. I was nothing but a bottomless pit of wants.

Somewhere along the road I had lost touch with being content, with being what I was. There always seemed to be attainable heights, greater pleasures, a bit further I could push myself. I could not live, not happily anyway, for I was blinded by my wants, when I could very well have done with all I had, all that was mine. I could have been one of those people smiling, a soul at peace, that free spirit without fretters that bound me to my miserable self. Sigh!

But, I am what I am, and I guess I will console myself and blame it all on human nature once more (sure way to block that accusing voice in my head!). After all it is true, that we really are bottomless pits of wants without a clue as to where we begin and where our wants end.

Poetry.. if u can call it that..

2005-07-15T11:21:00.000+06:00

Who is me?

Time passes me byAs I stare at the sky
Nothing beyond or above me
Thoughts flow through my mind
Don’t know where I am headed
Wonder where I will end

Day by day I sink in deeper
But to what am I sinking?
Minute by minute I move forward
Or is it backward?
All seems monotonous

Maybe I have become blind
The world turns, the birds sing
But I no longer hear them
Time ceases, thoughts cease
Nothing seems to matter anymore
Sometimes I wonder if it’s still me
But who is me?