Locked up! and a revision in my “to do/learn/realization” list....

I turned the door knob once more ,a couple of more times and then shook the knob like a dozen times, double checked to make sure that the door was unlocked, still nothing, it wouldn’t open! The door wouldn’t budge nor would the silver little thing which is supposed to go in when you turn the handle move. I felt my pulse quicken and small beads of perspiration started to dot my forehead, I took a deep breath, trying to push down and squash the dark ominous pressure which was trying its best to snake up my oesophagus and leap into my throat. (The news that a Tsunami had hit Samoa and there was an earthquake wasn’t helping)

I took a couple of more breaths, swallowing hard, frantically shaking the doorknob as the realization sank in, along with the pressure I had pushed down my throat. I felt my stomach churn and I called my flatmate and we both started to turn the handle frantically, trying to open the door, the force practically making the door shake on its hinges. We were locked inside the house!

We tried, a credit card, a screw driver, several spoons, a few calls home, googling and a hair pin but the silver thing which is supposed to go in when you turn the knob wouldn’t turn nor would the little knob like thing you’re supposed to press go in and hence the knob wouldn’t come off. We tried to get hold of a locksmith, but no one was willing to come around at that time of the night and it looked like there was no way we could dismantle the lock and open the door except by doing the “ultimate” of breaking it! (Well the ultimate would have been breaking down the door and at the rate things were going that wasn’t too unlikely a possibility)

As luck would have it a friend dropped by, and then it was a series of blows on the door knob with a hammer and a screw driver, a neighbour disturbed by the hammering tried a couple of more bangs .Nothing! Another friend and some more hammering, still nada. A bit more banging from inside, the door looked like it was ready to come off its hinges, but the lock wouldn’t move.

After nearly 2 hours we gave up, and decided we’d spend the night inside the locked house (the threat of an earthquake seemed very real and I had several thoughts running through my head) and then our friend showed up with another neighbour and a huge hammer, and bang! Bang! Bang! part of the lock came hurling inside the house. Still the door wouldn’t open, and it was 5 more minutes of grunting and twisting with the pliers and tada! The door finally opened... we could breath the sweet fresh air and see the stars... Sweet sweet freedom.

That was quite an experience and I have learnt that a girl needs to add some more things to her “to do/learn/realization” list:

1. How to dismantle a lock, and fix a new one

2. How to fix a tube light

3. How to unclog a sink

4. How to unclog/fix a leaky toilet

5. How to clear a blocked shower head

6. How to paint

7. How to use a drill and hammer a wrench and a nail

8. How to replace a light switch and fix a top

9. The super powers of “ super glue”

10. You never know when you might get locked inside a house so be prepared and have your tools ready.

11. Google cannot always help you

12. The list never ends

13. Men aren’t always around ( not even the handymen)

14. We women can do it!

Eid hadhaan..rambling

I grumbled to myself as I tried to type in the possible versions of how the Eid song “ Eid aee hinithunvamun” could be spelt on YouTube...I seem to be having no luck at all.. Sigh its 3:11 am and Eid has passed without me listening to the song. How disappointing! After all the song is part of Eids’ tradition and celebration!

With Roadhamas and Eid, theres always a lot of new and yours truly programs like "thiyabeefulhun ge furusathu" and "haaru dhan" , “ehadhaan”, “bai balaa” etc on TV and radio, programs which has become so much part of our Ramadhan and Eid that in a couple of decades these shows would be our Ramadhan tradition.

Now if you really think about it, it's kinda sad...I mean when we tell people about how we celebrate our Ramdhan and Eid, it would just be limited to names of game shows!! Just imagine that!

I don’t watch much of local TV, I prefer to watch shows of substance when I get some free time. I know I am a snob. (I don’t know where Seinfeld would fall in terms of that though :)). However, when I am away from home, I get this urge to be in touch with home in whatever way I can, and that’s where Dhifm and Youtube comes into picture.

I search and look for videos or for whatever snippets that’s available online. 'Ehadhaan' has always been on the list of my most watched videos, my interest in it started with a very umm unusual version of' ley kokaa laa malun', ever since I heard it, I can’t wait to see what they would come up with every year. It’s quite entertaining, especially if you watch the evolution and how the show has changed over time. But the most entertaining bit of all is the audience, have you ever seen a singing show where the audience actually sit stills and stares sombrely. Some of those looks could actually burn holes or make people drop dead!! Honestly, it’s like some dead blokes wake or funeral! And to think we are talking about a show that’s meant to be enjoyed, a show in which in most other countries people would stand up cheer /hold a lighter or a candle, you know do that sort of thing which people do normally in music shows!

People!Get up and cheer! Where is the joy??

Perhaps it’s me, and I don’t get what a music show is supposed to be about, perhaps I simply lack music etiquette! And maybe music is supposed to be enjoyed sitting down with our feets close together, and hands firmly clutched on our laps. (Oh and don’t forget the occasional mean/hateful gaze aimed at the singers they don’t like) *shrugs*

*Yawn* there I go rambling again..I’m sleepy now, still no luck with that Eid song.I guess I’d just go sleep, with my Eid celebrations incomplete L.

Eid Mubarek Everyone!

Back from my state of Wu Wei

To think another bloggy birthday has come and gone and I didn’t even bother..

To look back and see I have ended in such a dramatic tone...with such a big declaration that would make one, think I have gone and conquered the world...

When in fact I have been guilty of the opposite and just glided through life, akin to a twig in a flowing river. I was waiting quietly and practicing my Wu Wei, waiting for things to manifest from the emptiness and quiet of my universe. I was dabbling in the river and simply watching the world pass by.

I could never wrap my head around certain aspects of Tao philosophy, where things come to be through non-action or “Wu wei”, things are never made or formed, they simply come to be, and they emerge from nature, even the character of a Taoist. According to Tao, I am not writing this, its just flowing out of me, I do not create it, it just flows.

“For a Taoist action begins in ‘balance’, and he or she "acts without acting" and does not rush ahead according to a "principle." They wait readying themselves, letting their deeds emerge spontaneously and naturally, actions flow naturally; as day flows from night, as the acts and words of the Taoists flow from their character. A Taoist does not make them happen; he/she quietens his nature, so that they can happen of themselves. “

I think it’s high time I stopped practicing flowing, and started swimming in a direction I want, because I have a feeling this twig isn’t going to flourish without interference. Perhaps as the Taoists go I might have simply reached my turning point or “principle of reversion”, and its time I changed and the reverse process began.

To new beginnings, metamorphosis, growth and the past...

I am not going to sit at the curb waiting for my rocket to come, I am going to go find the blue prints and make my own rocket. I will fuse into the universe and become part of it and burst into colors, not because I have simply let go, but because I want to be a part of it. I am going to swim across the river and climb the mountains and watch the flowers blossom..for I have returned from my Wu wei state

( Tao philosophy is too vast and complicated for me to sum it up here.. I have just talked about a few Tao principles I find interesting, it is in no way meant to offend anyone)

it really is alright...

When I saw this poster it just reached out to me... Its dedicated to everyone out there who is hoping, searching, trying and even living their dreams. Its alright to aspire, and have it all. 

Its our right to believe, to want and to have. 

Waiting for my rocket to come....

I sit at the curb at the end of the universe..my weight making the rim sag slightly as I wait impatiently, glancing at my watch from time to time. I stare into the hollow night, a night devoid of the disarray of stars, except for just a lone star in the north,blinking now and then to its own rhythm. A few clouds bobbed along shivering now and then as a chilly wind blew across, I looked around searching, waiting unsure of what I am seeking..

I took a deep breath and huddled as the frosty fingers of the night embraced me.I closed my eyes, resting my soul at the crook of the galaxies arm..just letting go...simply letting go...tumbling, floating, bursting into a million little pieces as I fused with the darkness.

Black, blue, gray, red and yellow, emotions of every imaginable colour washed over me tainting me as I tried to fill the void, the black hole the hollowness of the night that was me. 

It was as if the night was me turned inside out, and that lone star was going to be my beacon, my saviour. But it was far so very far, almost..I extended my hand uncurling my fingers..reaching out.. to realize it was yes, almost out of reach. I slowly withdrew my hand forming a tight fist,my finger nails biting sharply into my flesh, as my face turned warm and my foolishness sank in, its colour slithering across my soul. 

The haziness drifted away slowly, as the fog lifted, making me realize my saviour was in another dimension, another galaxy and what I was waiting for, was my rocket.

Yes for my rocket, for my rocket to come, so it could blast off and take me away. Away from the night, away from the hollowness, away from the whispers and the ghosts that beckoned me.

I sighed as I sat there, at the very edge of the universe.. waiting.. hoping ..waiting for my rocket to come.. 

waiting ..sitting..hoping.. waiting ..for my rocket to come..

...

emancipation of sorts....

Thud, thud the vein at the right side of my temple kept beating furiously, the sound of blood surging through its tiny lumen roaring in my ear like the wail of the monsoon sea. So rough, so harsh, so scary , yet so powerful that with each of its beating it lifted up my heart making it flutter in my chest and banged it right across my rib cage. I felt the tide rise, frothing up slowly, inch by inch my throat closed up as if in slow motion, I clutched the table tightly my knuckles so stiff that it should have hurt, my breathing fast, like that of a dying eternity gasping for the last elixir of life. I tried to get up and run towards the window only to realize that my feet wouldn't move and they were molded in lead. I thrashed against the bench, the roar so loud that nothing else made sense anymore and it was just the sound and only the sound.

I tried to shut out the sound, the horrible ringing, a ringing which seemed to form a lattice through my veins, it kept getting louder and louder and finally I screamed and opened my eyes and set up in my bed drenched in sweat, the beating at my temple still there, but slowly able to swallow, as my fists clutching the red satin sheets relaxed and my eyes focused on the phone that was blinking away madly and ringing as if the world was on fire and I realized it has all been a dream. I pulled away the sheets and wriggled my toe, yes these were still moving and padded across the room to my lone window, I took a deep breath as I took in the world. Another glorious day with a slight chill in the air, as an old lady with a bag wobbled by clutching her grandsons hand firmly and a group of kids kept running around laughing and jumping right in to the puddles left by last night's downpour, as couples roared past in bikes leaving a trail of pungent perfume and the sun beamed down on me as if to mock me, while the soft breeze played with my hair as if we all were in a good mood, and ready to welcome the world. Ironic.

I let out a grunt and tucked my hair firmly behind my ears and shut the window, wanting to block the irony of it all, trying to ignore the hurricane of emotions that seemed to have found permanent residence in my head these days. I let out a soft sigh trying to subdue the tide as I poured myself some coffee, yelping as the white crystals scattered all over the counter, making me knock over the cup, spilling the hot water on to my thighs. Aaargh!! I grabbed some paper towels and wiped my sore thigh and pushed the cup back angrily, making it spill some more before it fell and shattered right at my feet. I felt tears of frustrations well up as I tried to gather the broken shreds of ceramic hurriedly until I saw the paper towel get soaked red and realized I was bleeding but there was no pain ,for the pain deep within my soul was so intense that I couldn't feel anything else.

It was one of those twirling dark abyss, and I was falling into it slowly, I was determined not to but somehow I seemed to be pushing myself deeper into it. It was as if time stood still once more and left me right in the middle buried half way in the murky waters of despair and the saddest thing was that I wasn't swimming anymore. I just stood very still, numb, ready to go with the tide, ready to be taken apart slowly and become nothing more than just drops of water. I heard my soul scream and protest but I ignored it and stood there going through the motions of life, smiling, laughing, crying right on cue whenever I was required to. I had years of practice and perfection has become just a habit when it came to fooling the rest of the world…

Yes, so I was a kindled spirit of Marvin (the robot), till I walked into the rest room at work yesterday, and tried to open the hand shower, and the shower head ended up in my hand, and again there was that loud roar, that horrible sound, as water spurted right out like a water fountain, drenching me from head to toe. I struggled with the shower trying to shut it off and in the process getting sprayed several times over, before I finally succeeded, and then there was silence as I walked across to the mirror and saw that there wasn't a spot on my shirt that was dry except for the back and water droplets were trinkling down my glasses, I felt tears well up once more and then I heard a sob, and then the strangest thing happened. I started laughing, and I felt my frustrations ebb away slowly , it was like my soul had cracked open and the vile pungent fumes were slowly floating away from me. I took in a deep breath smiling to myself, truly smiling to myself in days, as I once again recalled I am someone who will not let the world make me its puppet. I am someone who was here to enjoy, to make the best of life and to live. It was as if the jet of water had woken me up to myself and I smiled to myself once more glad to be me once again, glad to have battled my demons, and glad to be given another chance to harness the sound and make it music and glide with it…

Yes.. the sound.. so beautiful like music to my ears.. the sound washed over me as my heart beat in rhythm and the vein at my temple hummed in melody…

 

Dum spiro spero ..reinforced!

After a lot of grunting and puffing, a harsh weak cry of " euwaaah euwaaah" filled up the small labour room at exactly 5:30 am on 13^thof August 2008. He came into the world flailing his fists angrily with a menace look on his face as he took in his surrounding and took his first vile breaths of this treacherous, huge, alien yet surprising sometimes beautiful and kind world. His eyes widened and his mouth formed a perfect ‘O’ before his tiny little face crumbled and turned fiery red and more cries filled up the room. It was as though he was out and ready to wake up the slumberous night and get them on their toes for his arrival.

Yes, this bundle of energy born to a complete stranger right in front of me on my birthday had immediately demanded and taken a spot in my heart.

I couldn’t help myself, and I kept smiling telling the mother that it was my birthday and wondering out loud how the baby was going to be. I told her maybe he’d turn out like me, as if it’s the most wonderful thing and I beamed at her. She gave me this weak smile winced and kept nodding. I bet she was cursing me under her breath wondering what I was so cheerful about when she was going through absolute torture.

Life can be beautiful, and life is most beautiful when u see it come to ‘life’ right infront of you and take its first breath, and open its eyes and looks around and gives out its first shrill cry announcing its arrival. Its truly miraculous to feel a small, animated bundle in your arms snuggling up, so warm, so tiny and so defenseless .You can’t help but feel a sense of protection and responsibility towards this beautiful gift of life. I held him close to me tightly and wished him all the luck and uttered a silent prayer. I will probably never see him again.

I am feeling a hint of melancholy, but such is the wheel of life, we get touched, tainted, changed and transformed by things we’d never even think about. For me that baby was the best birthday gift. That moment where, I felt all my disappointments and "brickwalls" melt away and become one with happiness, life, hope and living was an eternal gift. A beacon of hope and wanting...

Yes I remembered my shibboleth once again...

Dum spiro spero...

( I hope as long as I breathe ... )