I tried to shut out the sound, the horrible ringing, a ringing which seemed to form a lattice through my veins, it kept getting louder and louder and finally I screamed and opened my eyes and set up in my bed drenched in sweat, the beating at my temple still there, but slowly able to swallow, as my fists clutching the red satin sheets relaxed and my eyes focused on the phone that was blinking away madly and ringing as if the world was on fire and I realized it has all been a dream. I pulled away the sheets and wriggled my toe, yes these were still moving and padded across the room to my lone window, I took a deep breath as I took in the world. Another glorious day with a slight chill in the air, as an old lady with a bag wobbled by clutching her grandsons hand firmly and a group of kids kept running around laughing and jumping right in to the puddles left by last night's downpour, as couples roared past in bikes leaving a trail of pungent perfume and the sun beamed down on me as if to mock me, while the soft breeze played with my hair as if we all were in a good mood, and ready to welcome the world. Ironic.
I let out a grunt and tucked my hair firmly behind my ears and shut the window, wanting to block the irony of it all, trying to ignore the hurricane of emotions that seemed to have found permanent residence in my head these days. I let out a soft sigh trying to subdue the tide as I poured myself some coffee, yelping as the white crystals scattered all over the counter, making me knock over the cup, spilling the hot water on to my thighs. Aaargh!! I grabbed some paper towels and wiped my sore thigh and pushed the cup back angrily, making it spill some more before it fell and shattered right at my feet. I felt tears of frustrations well up as I tried to gather the broken shreds of ceramic hurriedly until I saw the paper towel get soaked red and realized I was bleeding but there was no pain ,for the pain deep within my soul was so intense that I couldn't feel anything else.
It was one of those twirling dark abyss, and I was falling into it slowly, I was determined not to but somehow I seemed to be pushing myself deeper into it. It was as if time stood still once more and left me right in the middle buried half way in the murky waters of despair and the saddest thing was that I wasn't swimming anymore. I just stood very still, numb, ready to go with the tide, ready to be taken apart slowly and become nothing more than just drops of water. I heard my soul scream and protest but I ignored it and stood there going through the motions of life, smiling, laughing, crying right on cue whenever I was required to. I had years of practice and perfection has become just a habit when it came to fooling the rest of the world…
Yes, so I was a kindled spirit of Marvin (the robot), till I walked into the rest room at work yesterday, and tried to open the hand shower, and the shower head ended up in my hand, and again there was that loud roar, that horrible sound, as water spurted right out like a water fountain, drenching me from head to toe. I struggled with the shower trying to shut it off and in the process getting sprayed several times over, before I finally succeeded, and then there was silence as I walked across to the mirror and saw that there wasn't a spot on my shirt that was dry except for the back and water droplets were trinkling down my glasses, I felt tears well up once more and then I heard a sob, and then the strangest thing happened. I started laughing, and I felt my frustrations ebb away slowly , it was like my soul had cracked open and the vile pungent fumes were slowly floating away from me. I took in a deep breath smiling to myself, truly smiling to myself in days, as I once again recalled I am someone who will not let the world make me its puppet. I am someone who was here to enjoy, to make the best of life and to live. It was as if the jet of water had woken me up to myself and I smiled to myself once more glad to be me once again, glad to have battled my demons, and glad to be given another chance to harness the sound and make it music and glide with it…
Yes.. the sound.. so beautiful like music to my ears.. the sound washed over me as my heart beat in rhythm and the vein at my temple hummed in melody…
After a lot of grunting and puffing, a harsh weak cry of " euwaaah euwaaah" filled up the small labour room at exactly 5:30 am on 13thof August 2008. He came into the world flailing his fists angrily with a menace look on his face as he took in his surrounding and took his first vile breaths of this treacherous, huge, alien yet surprising sometimes beautiful and kind world. His eyes widened and his mouth formed a perfect ‘O’ before his tiny little face crumbled and turned fiery red and more cries filled up the room. It was as though he was out and ready to wake up the slumberous night and get them on their toes for his arrival.
Yes, this bundle of energy born to a complete stranger right in front of me on my birthday had immediately demanded and taken a spot in my heart.
I couldn’t help myself, and I kept smiling telling the mother that it was my birthday and wondering out loud how the baby was going to be. I told her maybe he’d turn out like me, as if it’s the most wonderful thing and I beamed at her. She gave me this weak smile winced and kept nodding. I bet she was cursing me under her breath wondering what I was so cheerful about when she was going through absolute torture.
Life can be beautiful, and life is most beautiful when u see it come to ‘life’ right infront of you and take its first breath, and open its eyes and looks around and gives out its first shrill cry announcing its arrival. Its truly miraculous to feel a small, animated bundle in your arms snuggling up, so warm, so tiny and so defenseless .You can’t help but feel a sense of protection and responsibility towards this beautiful gift of life. I held him close to me tightly and wished him all the luck and uttered a silent prayer. I will probably never see him again.
I am feeling a hint of melancholy, but such is the wheel of life, we get touched, tainted, changed and transformed by things we’d never even think about. For me that baby was the best birthday gift. That moment where, I felt all my disappointments and "brickwalls" melt away and become one with happiness, life, hope and living was an eternal gift. A beacon of hope and wanting...
Yes I remembered my shibboleth once again...
Dum spiro spero...
( I hope as long as I breathe ... )
My heart skipped a beat when I saw the golden letters glitter in the bookshops best selling books shelf.
Brida by Paulo Coelho.
The name Paulo Coelho always incites this sense of excitement in me, and I can’t help but hope this is going to be the book that will precede Alchemist and deliver me from the rest of my ignorance and rejuvenate my dormant spirit and deliver me higher.
But time and again I’ve been disappointed, but then again once you fall in love with something you are biased and you cannot help yourself but be awed and this author is one such ‘beautiful thing’ of life for me.
“No one can posses the beautiful things of this Earth, but we can know them and love them.”
And anyone who tries to posses such a thing will be forced to watch it fade away and die, like the beautiful roses on your window sill... So I try to read and know his books and like he says I can only know a good wine If I have tasted a bad one and once I find another good one I would be ready to savour and drink the whole bottle or like this book take sips of it.
Its painful yes to realize that you cannot posses what you love and want. All those of you who have been in love or has loved something and did not have your love returned will know what I am talking about. I thought the saddest thing in life was to want something with all your being and to never be able to have it.
Until.. until Brida opened my eyes.. it’s the most profound yet simplest of things. It says. “ you will never be mine, and that is why I will never lose you. Love is liberty. I will always remember you and you will remember me, just as we will remember our memories together and all the things we'll always have because we cannot possess them.”
Synthetic happiness perhaps… but whose to say that’s wrong. ( we will leave that for another post)
The book Brida is by no means anything close to Alchemist but it has struck a chord with me and the few of its phrases which are so simple yet so profound will undoubtedly be something I believe and quote for time immemorial.
I have this new found sense of being right after all as Paulo goes..
“Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong, even a stopped clock is right twice a day”
...
Have you ever woken up with the feeling that this was going to be another monotonous day like the countless others you’ve had and had it turn into something totally unexpected and unforgettable?
